7 months

We have been home with Ade 7 months today!

I cannot tell you how different this day is from our first weeks home.

It was all so overwhelming and so much more difficult than I ever anticipated.

With hard work, lots of tears, and tons of "We can get through this." on Yvan's part, we are doing so much better.

I feel like we are truly starting to bond as a family!

Our homecoming from Ethiopia had started on such a positive note. We had enjoyed our time with Ade in Ethiopia so much! Never in our minds did either of us think it would be so difficult to transition to our life back in Canada to a life that included Ade.

But it was.

It got better. Slowly.

People told us "the first 6 weeks are the hardest!" and they were.

The next mile marker was 3 months. Still very hard but better.

6 months hit! Major regression.

All on my part. Our 6 month anniversary fell one day after our 2 year referral anniversary.

It was hard for my brain to comprehend we had only been home with Ade for 6 months when we had first seen his wee little face 2 years before.

He was 6 months old when we got his referral. I think knowing this and the fact he had only been home for 6 months triggered some repressed grief and anger in me.

For a long time people asked me how I felt about the fact it took so long (18 months) to get Ade home. I would say it was extremely hard but that I wasn't going to let that be our memory. I took all of the pain and anger I had and hid it. Pretended it hadn't bothered me or that I wasn't angry with the circumstances and sometimes the people who had been a part of our lengthy process. I said "it is what is?" a lot.

But I was angry. Hurt and saddened for all the lost time we had with Ade. Had he come home "when he was supposed to" he might have been a year old. But life doesn't always happen "the way it is supposed to", nope not all.

I had to admit that I had wanted him when he was younger. Bonding would have been so much easier. He wouldn't be a running, jumping, bouncing, never-staying-still 2 year old who would have like to cuddle more. Or maybe he wouldn't have.

At 6 months home, I grieved for all the time we had lost with him. I grieved for the 6 month old baby I first saw on our referral day.

I let out all the anger and blame for delays I had.

It wasn't pretty.

But it needed to come out!

Then I looked at where we are now. The reality of Ade being 2.5 years old and only with us for such short amount of time. Took a deep breath and said "O.k. this is where we are! Stop living in the past and get on with it!"

Today, this morning, as I sat and had my tea and watched Ade playing with his trucks I realized the daily anxiety of "What have we done?" was gone.

In its place was routine. A Comfortableness I hadn't felt before.

Now, don't get me wrong. There are still days that are hard. Days where there are tears on all our parts.

I have come to the realization that a family is a lifetime in the making. No matter how your family came to be.

We will always be a work in progress.

The Pit in my Stomach...

...is big and gaping.

It is slowly eating away at my insides.

I think it is made worse by the fact Christmas is almost upon us and once again we will not have our wee one home with us.

We have been incredibly busy at work the last couple of weeks which has helped keep me distracted...until today.

I glanced at the calendar and realized Christmas eve is next Friday! Which means Christmas is the next day....

The holiday season seems empty to me this year. I am glad my mom is coming for a visit but the pressure of running here and there to visit all kinds of extended family and friends we haven't seen in a long time is starting to cause me to become bloated with emotions.

I can't (nor do I want to) face the onslaught of questions people will have for us.

Q - Still no baby?
A- Nope, still no baby and now he is a toddler.

Q - Why is it taking so long?
A- Your guess is as good as mine - I could answer this honestly but watching people's eyes glaze over as we tell them how the last 17 months have gone is almost more painful then all the questions.

Q - Why do you keep waiting? Aren't there other options?
A- We keep waiting because he is our son.

Q - Why don't you go to Africa and be with him.
A- We would love to but after all we have been through since we got his referral we are so scared something else could come up...we want to be in Africa with him. Trust me we do! (There are reasons we can't and we don't feel the need to justify them to anyone)

Q - How do you do it?
A - I don't know anymore - we just do.

Statement - surely it will happen soon...hang in there.
Me (thinking to myself) - Soon. SOON! Yes, surely it will happen soon! Good grief! It has been 17 months...THAT IS NOT SOON!
Me (actually saying) - yes surely it will happen soon - sigh!

I would much rather climb into bed until all this Christmas hubabaloo is done...or have a long hot shower until we get the call the visa is in.

Anything other than face Christmas without Ade. Again!

Mondays Are Always The Hardest

Mondays are always the hardest.

It is the start of a new week.

A new week of waiting...wondering...worrying.

Anxiety is always highest on Mondays as you anticipate what the week will bring. Will be it good news or bad? Will we hear anything at all?

Tuesdays you think "o.k. Monday is over news should have been gained and today it might be delivered to those of us waiting".

Wednesday is certainly the day you will hear something...everyone knows Wednesday is the day of news. Right?

Thursday your hope is waning. Oh I guess there won't be anything this week....but wait, there is always Friday!

Friday comes and goes. Either you have had the news you are waiting on or you haven't but either way you know the weekend is upon you and have 2 beautiful days where your brain can rest from all the fretting and wondering and checking of phones and emails.

Mondays though....they are always the hardest!

Sigh of Relief

That is what we let out yesterday.

A giant, audible sigh of relief.

As well as a few tears too.

He is healthy!!!!!

All is good....no further testing required.

Only clarification was needed and the medical will be sent back to Nairobi next week!!!

I can tell you we are happy. Cautious....but happy!!

Pretty, please with chocolate and wine on top, we need all the positive VISA, VISA, VISA energy we can get if you would be so kind as to send some out to the universe.

If A Tree Falls in the Forest....

...does anyone hear it?

Maybe more so than what we are hearing.

Still nothing.

No clue what the test is/was.

Medical appointment was yesterday but still nothing.

So we don't know it if is a little something or a big something!

On the MP side of things, they seem to be more "understanding" should we say.

We have a meeting with him....so we'll shall see soon enough what unfolds.

Honestly, I do not have one shred of sanity left...

Not one!

I hope no one of importance reading this blog judges me based on that little nugget of information I have shared.

I feel I have earned the right to say my sanity is gone.....yours would be too.

This is all so redonkulous!

That's right, I said it -REDONKULOUS!

The Thing is...

....just when we think...

We. can. not. take. another. step.

You, and by that I mean, every single person who reads our blog....

...show your immense love and support!!!

Amazing!!!! It leaves us standing in awe...literally.

So, this week, we are feeling better.

We don't know what extra testing they want done or why.

We are asking lots of questions.

We are reading lots of immigration mumbo jumbo.

We waiting for answers.

I can tell you the Hague Convention is not the most stimulating read...but read it I am...

Also, could CIC make their documents any more difficult to understand - "R117(1)(g)(iii)(B) and R117(3)(e) blah, blah, blah!"

Maybe I will become a consultant on all things adoption and immigration when all this done...or maybe not!

So, we thank you!

For listening.

For offering to write, email, call...

...we might take you up on that offer....

We'll keep you posted.

Working Breakfast

Sometimes you need to take care of work first thing in the morning - especially when you own your business...so this morning we made it a working breakfast! Side by side the two of us working away whilst eating some tasty eats - that's an avocado, spinach, and tomato omelet in case you were wondering

So romantic!

Yesterday was a really hard day..thank you all for listening.

I realized later in the day I had miscalculated and said we had been waiting 16 months...in fact it has been 15 months...still way too long!

For those of you not in the know (I had a couple people ask), we received our referral July 28,2009...beginning of January 2010 we were told they could not get all the paperwork needed and weren't sure it would come. (This was not because of the Oromia region)

Eventually it did come 2 .5 months later and we moved on to the next part getting a court date. Just as we got to the court date all the new changes in Ethiopia started to take effect. One was that all dossiers over 2 years old would need an update....of course we were affected by this so our first court date was postponed by a month. The other was a new 2 trip court date rule was put in....we just made it through that one and didn't have to worry about travelling twice.

June 2 we legally became Ade's parents.

It took 2 months to get the docs ready to send to Nairobi and July 23 everything left for Kenya.

We thought the medical had already arrived and been completed because we were told it was...then we found out mid-August it wasn't even in yet...you can imagine what I thought about that.

It arrived Aug 23 and our wee son was taken for his first exam.

We received an email a day later saying he had the exam and the medical was on the way back to Nairobi.

Then we found out 2 days later the doc was concerned with a slight cough he had and put him on antibiotics for a week and the medical had not been signed off or sent back.

Another week later the doc was still concerned and so another round of antibiotics was suggested.

As a final assurance all was well, a chest x-ray was ordered....a week later the specialist read it and it was clear...no TB!

Finally, everything appears to now be in the capable hands of the visa officers in Nairobi.

This last wait....it is harder than any of the other waits we have had....knowing we are so close to bringing him home yet not knowing when or how long it will be...

It is hard.

I didn't know it would be this hard!

Thank you for allowing me to tell you about it - you have no idea how it helps to hear from you all.

After all this time, you are still here for us, supporting us, and believing for us it will happen.

Much love to all!

Tomorrow

I keep thinking about tomorrow.

October 28, 2010.

16 months!

The number of months we have been waiting since we got our referral.

I haven't been counting the months at all...or I tried not to.

Tomorrow has been creeping into my head all week.

I am not sure why now but it could be anyone of the following reasons:

I am tired.

I am defeated.

I am deflated.

I am sad.

I am not sleeping.

I am angry.

I am frustrated.

I am worried.

I am hurting.

I feel like I'm living a nightmare which I can't seem to wake up from.

I feel like this will never end for us.

I just want it to be over and our son to be home with us.

Tomorrow is 16 months since we saw our wee son's face for the first time.

Since then he has grown into a handsome little toddler.

I just want our son to be home with us.

If I Were Being Honest.....

I would have to tell you this:

I AM GOING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BONKERS!!!!!

CERTIFIABLY INSANE!!!!

I feel like Steve Martin in "The Jerk"...you know the scene where his wife leaves him and he says:

"I don't need you, all I need is this lamp! This lamp and this chair..." and goes on and on and is eventually wandering down the street with all the things he doesn't need except for...

It is taking all my will power not to run up and down the street yelling "WHEN WILL OUR VISA COME?!" with random articles of furniture from our house as being all I need...but really all I need is OUR SON HOME!!!!

I have been trying to play it cool....trying to be the brave gal who can face anything and take anything...but I feel the facade crumbling....I don't feel cool at all...I feel like a

NUTTY NUTTERTON!!!

I have been searching the Internets again for answers....just like when we were waiting for our referral...which by the way was almost 15 months ago...I try not to linger on that most days because it would drive me to drink if I did but sometimes it pops into my head especially around the holidays (Happy Thanksgiving all!).

But alas, the answers aren't there...they are far away in Nairobi...sitting on a desk of some stranger who has the power in their hands to determine "yes, you will be a family" (I won't think about any other options) and waiting for said stranger to stamp our son's passport with the little, tiny stamp we need to bring him home is making me

LOOPY!!!!!!

Please let the visa come soon....please!

The Vomit Factor

I am a walking time bomb of vomit right now.

So gross, ya, I know...but true.

My anxiety level has reached an all time high whereas I feel like I could spew at any and every moment of the day.

I wake up feeling nauseous and I go to bed feeling the same way.

We have been slowly working on the room.

The slowness with which we are getting the room ready....makes me want to vomit!

I would prefer to have the room ready by now. However, this is not the case and I have to deal with it. Slow is better than not at all. (Newsflash! We will be doing a weekend room blitz because I have declared it so!)

Washing of all clothes for the wee one has begun. Now, how this wee little dude ended up with 15 sleepers all size 18-24 months is beyond me. 15!!!! That is not counting the onesies we have (which I refuse to count because I am not sure he will even need to wear onesies at all.)

And so, our little dude will be wearing a lot of sleepers just so I can justify the fact I purchased so many. (I am sure this will be the basis of many future therapy sessions when he is an adult) When did I purchase 15 sleepers anyways???? Oh ya, it was the times I was at Costco and my cart would go into autopilot and guide itself over to the kids clothes. I rue the day you came into existence Costco for more than one reason but mainly because you make the cutest sleepers for $7.98 plus tax. And yes, I know I shouldn't buy these sleepers mass produced in another country, most likely by child labour but they are SO CUTE!!! The fact I have fallen into the oh-so-cleverly laid trap of this behemoth makes me feel queasy.

I digress...

While washing all the clothes and going through what we have, I get anxious again. Do we have enough socks? What about t-shirts?? Pants??? Sweaters????? It gets cold where we live. Very cold!

What about shoes? I haven't been able to buy shoes yet because we aren't sure what size his feet are! Will he be shoeless and taunted by all the other children because his parents weren't capable enough to determine shoe size!?????

Oy vey...I need to lay down before I toss my cookies from the worry of "Will we be able to handle properly clothing our child?"

In August, my momma was in town for a visit, so I enlisted her as well as my mom and sis-in-law to help me shop for the necessities of raising a toddler. So I set about creating a list of what we would need to have with us for our trip to Ethiopia and once we were back at home

46.

The number of items on my list for "toiletries" for wee one.

46 Items!!!!!!

This number is brought to me by family, friends and fellow adoptive parents who have BTDT and passed on their lists to me.

46.

We need a suitcase just for the toiletries...seriously?

Then there is the question of what to pack for clothes for him, toys to keep to him occupied, food for the trip home so he doesn't think we are inept at feeding him as well.

This all leads into - How will the first meeting go? Will he even want to come to us? What will be thinking as we whisk him away from all he knows? For certain he will be thinking "Who are these people who clearly have no experience at parenting?"

I need some of the Baby Gravol I purchased to keep the waves of nausea in my stomach at bay.

O.k. so getting ready for our little dude clearly has a huge vomit factor.

But so does the wondering! The waiting.

Has our medical left yet? How long until it gets to Nairobi? Will it get lost along the way?

When will someone look at it? How much time will take them to review it? Will it be weeks or months until the Visa is issued?

Insert commercial for Rescue Remedy here because without it I would not be able to stay sane.

Normally, when dealing with a stressful situation, I would try to empty the entire contents of the fridge and pantry into my mouth at once...but the thought of our most delicious homemade pizza or my favourite dessert (Schmoo) totally makes me want to gag as in "Like, Oh MY GAWD, gag me with a spoon".

The vomit factor.

On a scale of 1 - 10...

...I am running at an 11!

Hooray Carolyn and Adam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally!!!

After the longest wait ever!!!!

Carolyn and Adam are going to Ethiopia to bring home their son!!!!!

Carolyn and I have become very good friends through our crazy adoption journeys...and quite frankly I would be a babbling mess wondering around the streets and yelling "F#$K" out loud in middle of the grocery store (he he right Tova) if it wasn't for her.

We are so happy for them!!!!

They are days away from being united as a family of 3 and we are overjoyed!!!

Safe travels friends!

Much love to you all!

Negatory Good Buddy

Negative - the test results were negative!

No TB!!!!!!!!!

Did you feel a huge wind gust and or get a sudden rush of water in your area?

It was just us finally breathing and then the gush of tears following because we are so happy he is healthy!!!!

O.k. now the chanting must begin!

VISA, VISA, VISA!!

Chant with us please!!!

Still Waiting...

for the medical to be done.

We thought it was done, because we were told it was, only to then be told it wasn't.

Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt......

That is the sound made when your balloon of hope slowly deflates.

We know we are lucky to be where we are and that it will happen but it just seems like the "will happen" part keeps getting pushed back.

Just when we think we will be able to reach out and finally hold him.....roadblock.

So, we wait for results from a test to come back....a doctor being thorough for his sake which we appreciate....hard nonetheless.

He is well. He is not sick. Still a delay while a question is answered.

Hence my lack of blog posts.

I find it a battle these days to write anything.

So when we know "What is the What?" we will let you know.

Until then we are taking a break, going for long walks and dreaming of our boy.

The Friends We Meet Along The Way

We have been very privileged to meet some amazing people because of our adoption.

Near and far, we have made some very good friends over the last 3 years.

We could not have gotten to this point with out those friends.

Last weekend (August Long - I know this is very late but I was waiting to be sure it was o.k. to post their photos on my blog)

Last weekend we had the absolute pleasure of meeting Laura, Chad and Sara .

They were on their way to Cypress for a family reunion and Laura emailed and asked if they could stop in and meet us on their way down.

We have been emailing for quite sometime and read each other's blogs faithfully, so I jumped at the chance and said of course.

They stayed one night with us and it was so much fun.

It is always a bit nerve wracking meeting new people for the first time. Especially 'Internet friends' because 'Hey, you never know' they might be axe wielding murderers!

But Chad, Laura and Sara were definitely not! They are awesome!

Both Yvan and I felt extremely comfortable with them from the get go and really enjoyed their relaxed, easygoing style.

Laura is amazing to talk to - I felt like I had known her forever.

Sara is a cutie-patootie!! She loved, loved, loved the animals and they loved her too. She wants to be a vet one day and she will be fabulous at it!

We both have a friend, Laura, in common who lives where I live.

She is also in the process of adopting from Ethiopia so her and her family came over for dessert and a visit.

It is so nice to be able to connect with people who understand what you are going through.

Next year, we will all have to meet half way between where we live and you live Chad, Laura and Sara for a visit!!!

Inner Anxiousness

These last few days have me filled with so much inner anxiousness!

If you see me, you will see a smile on my face, but inside I am ball of worry, fear, stress, anxiousness...

I am worried about our boy. Is he being cared for, fed, loved, cuddled, played with?

Now these aren't new worries. They have always been there.

They are just bubbling up even more now because we know we are close to bringing him home.

You know the old saying "So close yet so far away!"

It's how I feel right now.

It's all I can do to keep myself from booking a flight and heading to Ethiopia tomorrow.

I am worried about how we will bond with our boy.

He has been in the arms of his caregivers for over a year now. Every time I think about taking him out of the world he has known for so long I become overwhelmed with emotion.

We are both trying not to fantasize how our first meeting will go.

We know we won't be doing the slow motion running into the foster home and gathering him up in our arms and him beaming at us with joy thinking "Where have you been all my life?".

We know he will be unsure about us. "Who are these people? Why are they taking me from everything I know? What is happening to me?"

I have been reading all kinds of attachment parenting books about how to make the transition easier for him but honestly I feel like I know even less than I did before.

The reading has helped but it has also opened up the window of endless scenarios of how he will act with us and it has me chewing my fingernails with worry.

How does one feel so ready yet so not ready all at the same time?

We are ready to be parents. and we have been ready for a long time.

But we have never been parents before and this is all so new to us.

We see our friends with their kids and it all seems so easy. But it isn't easy we know that. They have had time with their children and their children are used to them as parents.

My fear is that he isn't ready for us. Of course he isn't. He has no clue we are even coming. He has been with people who know how to care for him for so long. We have no idea what his particular needs are.

O.k. yes, we do - generically - we know he needs food, diaper changes, naps, love, play time....

But we don't know his sounds and cries and what it is that comforts him when he is scared.

We will learn these things over time but right now I am anxious.

I am worried he will be shouting in his little head "These people have no idea what they are doing! Someone help me!" while in reality it will come out as sobs of fear and we won't know how to make him feel and know we are there for him when he needs.

Then the anxiousness of "we have missed so much" kicks in. It has been a year since we first saw his sweet little face and he has grown and changed so much with out us.

It breaks my heart!!

I want to rewind the clock and have that time back with him but I can't.

I look forward to all the firsts we will have together as a family but will always mourn the firsts we didn't get to share with him.

I can't wait for the day they tell us we can go get him but I also dread it because it is the day we take him from the home he has always known.

I feel like I am a babbling baffoon right now...there is so much going on inside of my heart and head.

Calling All List Makers!!!!!

I need your help!

Actually, I need your lists!!!

Pretty please? With sugar on top?

I have been having a bit of a panic attack this week because I HAVE NOTHING READY!!!

What have I been doing the last, oh 12 months!!!!????

O.k. I know what I have been doing.....waiting...to be sure this was all going to work out.

While nothing is 100% yet until we get that visa, I need to get our bags packed for Ethiopia.

I need lists of what to bring.

My brain is running amok people - AMOK!!!

I have no idea how to pack for a toddler.

I know he needs clothes.

My friend Cheryl suggested lots of toys because he will be busy.

What else do I need?

I know some of you lovely BTDT's have some great lists so could you share your knowledge and experience with me?

Maybe just post 5 or 6 items you absolutely could not have done without.

Do you think you could do that for little old me?

I will send you hugs and kisses if you do :)

Finally on to the Immigration Stage!!

The last stage of what seems to be our never ending adoption.

Immigration!!!!!!!!

I know it seems silly to be celebratory but we had a wee celebration tonight and maybe a tear or two were shed.

It, as many of you know, has been an extremely long haul.

The year anniversary of our referral is next week - who would have thought we would only be at the immigration stage just now...not me that is for sure.

We are still being very cautious - immigration processing used to take 3 weeks, now it can be anywhere from 6 weeks to 16 weeks!!!

But still, we are celebrating in our small way.

I really need to get the room done, clothes purchased, the home child-proofed!

If you build it, he will come!!!!

Say it with me!

IF YOU BUILD IT! HE WILL COME!!

P.S. I might have a had a cocktail or two tonight to celebrate so please excuse any grammatical errors on my part :0

Learning to Cook Ethiopian Style

Last night I got together with two beautiful ladies who are also adopting from Ethiopia to learn how to cook Ethiopian food.

We did an evening class so we only had time for 2 dishes and let me tell you it takes some time to make this delicious food but it is worth it.

We made:

1. Alcha

2. Doro Wat

S and me stirring the pots full of goodness while Saba watches

(so you all don't think I'm a giant who is 7' tall - I was standing on a bench)

S & S & me - ummmmm...it was really hot in the kitchen and it wasn't because we looked so smokin' in our hair nets either ;)

After our feast - we were so hungry and excited to eat what we made that we forgot to take a photo - ha!

Thanks gals!! That was fun - can't wait to do it again!!

Calling, Emailing and Filling out Paperwork

The last 3 weeks have been accompanied by a sense of relief....relief because after months and months of waiting we finally passed court.

But the wait isn't over yet. On no, not by a long shot.

In fact, this wait, the one we are in now, the visa wait...it is gearing up to be the hardest wait yet I do believe.

Because there isn't anything I can do. Since we got our referral there has been paperwork and emails, and then more paperwork followed by more emails with some phone calls thrown in for good measure and more paperwork and...well you get the picture.

Now, I actually have to sit by and just wait without doing something.

Don't get me wrong.

There are things to be done.

But the things needing to be done aren't things that pertain to me calling, emailing, filling out paperwork and repeating for months on end.

That is all done for now.

Now I just sit and wait for someone to call me and say "You can go get your son".

At that point I will be able to start calling, emailing, and filling out paperwork again for flights, and hotels etc....

...but for now I can only wait.

Oh we are getting his room ready, the house ready, the yard ready...and that is all fine stuff to be doing.

However, since July of last year I have been calling and emailing and filling out paperwork and it made me feel like I was doing my part for my child who is half way around the world being cared by others.

As stressful as it was, it made me feel like I was a part of the process.

I could do some more calling and emailing I suppose to say "Have you heard anything yet?"

But honestly, I think those people need at least 3 1/2 weeks free of me calling and emailing and insisting I send paperwork!

Now, well now I feel like my hands are truly tied....and here I sit, at my computer, searching the blogs, message boards and the Internets for something to make me feel useful.

So if anyone needs someone to do some calling or emailing or filling out paperwork..well you know where to find me.

Moon Reach

In December, I decided to slowly start buying stuff for Ade's room. I didn't want to buy too much until we had passed court but I was starting to look.

If you remember from this post we had, by way of an accident at a work function and a gift from fabulous friends, decided to do a giraffe theme for our, then unknown, kidlet.

Well, I happened to be on Etsy and found a fantastic baby blanket called "Moon Reach" and I couldn't turn it down. (Alright, I probably could have but I didn't want to.)

So, I took a leap of faith and ordered one and had her add Ade's name on it so that it would be a keep sake for him when he was older (both Yvan and I still have our cuddle blankets from when we were babies).

It came in the mail about a week after we found out there was some paperwork problems with Ade's file and they weren't sure what the outcome would be or if we would be able to bring him home.

I cried for my boy and put the blanket away deep in the back of a closet so I couldn't see it or remember it.

Today, I pulled it out and we are going to finally start on his room...

..and it will have Giraffes in it ...

...and one day, in the not-so-distant future, that room will have Ade in it too...

...cuddled-up, sleeping under this blanket, dreaming of reaching for the moon.