...is big and gaping.
It is slowly eating away at my insides.
I think it is made worse by the fact Christmas is almost upon us and once again we will not have our wee one home with us.
We have been incredibly busy at work the last couple of weeks which has helped keep me distracted...until today.
I glanced at the calendar and realized Christmas eve is next Friday! Which means Christmas is the next day....
The holiday season seems empty to me this year. I am glad my mom is coming for a visit but the pressure of running here and there to visit all kinds of extended family and friends we haven't seen in a long time is starting to cause me to become bloated with emotions.
I can't (nor do I want to) face the onslaught of questions people will have for us.
Q - Still no baby?
A- Nope, still no baby and now he is a toddler.
Q - Why is it taking so long?
A- Your guess is as good as mine - I could answer this honestly but watching people's eyes glaze over as we tell them how the last 17 months have gone is almost more painful then all the questions.
Q - Why do you keep waiting? Aren't there other options?
A- We keep waiting because he is our son.
Q - Why don't you go to Africa and be with him.
A- We would love to but after all we have been through since we got his referral we are so scared something else could come up...we want to be in Africa with him. Trust me we do! (There are reasons we can't and we don't feel the need to justify them to anyone)
Q - How do you do it?
A - I don't know anymore - we just do.
Statement - surely it will happen soon...hang in there.
Me (thinking to myself) - Soon. SOON! Yes, surely it will happen soon! Good grief! It has been 17 months...THAT IS NOT SOON!
Me (actually saying) - yes surely it will happen soon - sigh!
I would much rather climb into bed until all this Christmas hubabaloo is done...or have a long hot shower until we get the call the visa is in.
Anything other than face Christmas without Ade. Again!