Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Pit in my Stomach...

...is big and gaping.

It is slowly eating away at my insides.

I think it is made worse by the fact Christmas is almost upon us and once again we will not have our wee one home with us.

We have been incredibly busy at work the last couple of weeks which has helped keep me distracted...until today.

I glanced at the calendar and realized Christmas eve is next Friday! Which means Christmas is the next day....

The holiday season seems empty to me this year. I am glad my mom is coming for a visit but the pressure of running here and there to visit all kinds of extended family and friends we haven't seen in a long time is starting to cause me to become bloated with emotions.

I can't (nor do I want to) face the onslaught of questions people will have for us.

Q - Still no baby?
A- Nope, still no baby and now he is a toddler.

Q - Why is it taking so long?
A- Your guess is as good as mine - I could answer this honestly but watching people's eyes glaze over as we tell them how the last 17 months have gone is almost more painful then all the questions.

Q - Why do you keep waiting? Aren't there other options?
A- We keep waiting because he is our son.

Q - Why don't you go to Africa and be with him.
A- We would love to but after all we have been through since we got his referral we are so scared something else could come up...we want to be in Africa with him. Trust me we do! (There are reasons we can't and we don't feel the need to justify them to anyone)

Q - How do you do it?
A - I don't know anymore - we just do.

Statement - surely it will happen soon...hang in there.
Me (thinking to myself) - Soon. SOON! Yes, surely it will happen soon! Good grief! It has been 17 months...THAT IS NOT SOON!
Me (actually saying) - yes surely it will happen soon - sigh!

I would much rather climb into bed until all this Christmas hubabaloo is done...or have a long hot shower until we get the call the visa is in.

Anything other than face Christmas without Ade. Again!

21 comments:

Julie said...

Do what you have to to take care of yourself. Stay home, and don't visit people if you don't want. Put on your Snugie Rana, and take care of your heart. There will be a gigantic sigh of relief from the thousands of people who love your family. We are waiting with you. He will be home. He will be home.

Tammy said...

Rana,
I think of you all the time. This is just ridiculous I can't believe it has been 17 months. It isn't right, I'm sorry you are still having to deal with this wait. I agree with Julie...stay home if you need to you've been through so much and you need to take care of yourself. We are all here for you and are all praying for your visa.

darci said...

I also think of you so often. I am so so sorry this is happening. praying for you, rana!

Anonymous said...

We are still praying for you guys, there is nothing that can be said to relieve your emptiness until your son is in your arms! I agree with the others too that you should do what you want and need because people(questions) are going to make the ache worse. Maybe even you guys could come up with something witty to say, that will shut them up! (so what if it makes them uncomfortable, lol) I think we have all wanted to do that! Take care, come on Visa! Sending good thoughts and strength your way!
Shannon Simms

Dianne said...

I'm thinking of you guys and your beautiful boy everyday, Rana. I'm with the others - stay home if you need to, and let your hurting heart have the buffer it needs. They will understand... at least, they should, and if they don't, they can be the ones to take responsibility for their feelings.

Brendan and Mary said...

I am so sorry Rana. Don't run around and do all the craziness. We're still holding onto hope and praying like crazy, but in the meantime cry in the shower for hours and cuddle up in your snuggie.

Big hugs,
M

Carolyn said...

I agree with everyone. Take care of yourself. I know what it feels like to be in your shoes and it is awful. Don't try to please others right now- you do not owe anyone any answers to stupid questions. I think of you always but know nothing can help right now.

Hugs

Carolyn

CinnamonOpus said...

What Julie said. Exactly so.

And draw some comfort and strength from those of us, out here and all over, who love you and wait along with you.

Curvy Runner said...

Just so you know, my MIL is lighting a candle for Ade and Little Bear and all the families waiting for their children to come home this Christmas (as an ex almost-nun she has some pull with this higher ups!).

I am boycotting Christmas, you should join me -its fun shocking everyone and then I avoid the "what, no news YET?, conversation".

turgeonexpansion said...

Then you climb and bed and wait for Christmas to be over.

You do whatever you have to do to do this. If people are really your friends and family, they will support you, and know that all those questioning attitudes just makes you teary eyed and want to hide.

That snuggie looks pretty snuggly. I can only dream of getting one for Christmas...

Karen said...

I have nothing intelligent or witty or helpful to post. I feel like I'm commenting way too often that I am so sorry. But I just am.

Hope it's good news soon. See, not helpful at all. :)

Liz said...

I agree with everyone else - stay home and hibernate this holiday season if that is what it will take to keep the small shred of sanity you still have left.

Please let "soon" come...well, soon!

BCMommy said...

I agree. Snuggie. Bottle of wine. Chocolate. Box of tissues. Husband. Screw everything else.

wholetthishappen said...

Ditto to Julie. Especially on the thousands of people who will be relieved. Also, surely we can come up with some responses to people who ask dumb questions. I think this requires a collective brain storm over what all the questions we should prepare for are, and then of course the best answers. I mean, if someone asks a stupid question, shouldn't they get a stupid answer?
All jokes aside;

You are allowed to do whatever you want right now. You get a free pass from all obligations this year. I have declared it so. :)
Wish I could sit with you on your couch, hold your hand, drink, and cry together. It's what I'm good at these days. Love, love, love to you both. Holding faith for you, friend.

Tova

PS. Still willing to kick some CIC butt for you. Just say the word.

Lincoln Wiebe said...

I haven't even made it to the end of your post yet... (Dare I admit that?) I just had to say it hurts to read this. And makes me sick. Sick of all this. Little Ade was to come home with P & M. I look at the photo of the 4 dis on the couch everyday and think of little Ade, still not in your arms. And M looks at last year's Christmas cards and talks about Ade's dogs- and he still hasn't met his dogs!
I remember avoiding people last Christmas, and my wait wasn't this long. I just can't believe this. For some reason I've been hoping every day we'll see the notice that you have your visa. And for that same reason, I'm going to keep hoping. Little Ade does need you and you do need him. And I won't stop praying for them to issue that visa and you to get a great seat sale (I remember the price of seats last year at this time). Let's. Bring. Him. Home. NOW!
Ramona
And I'm with Tova...

lyndsey&kevin said...

Arggggg brutal. I am doing the... PLEASE don't ask, change the subject, as much as possible. I am avoiding most gatherings too.

Good luck getting through!!

I hope you are not waiting much longer. This is insane... BUT you WILL get your son.... that is what matters ;)

HUGS L

Anonymous said...

If you wish to cancel Christmas this year ... so be it. Just do what needs doing to take care of each other during this time. All those who love you shall understand. Many of us will ask for one wish this Christmas - you can guess what that will be.
Sending Hope & Strength,
Jen D

Melissa said...

Oh Rana, I don't know what to say. I just can't comprehend what is happening to you. And to Ade.

So, instead of blabbering, I send you this song, with love:

Bon Iver

PS I think I would be cancelling Christmas too. Do whatever makes you feel good.

boltupright said...

Yep just going to say the same thing as the rest - give yourself a pass this year. If it's too hard to do that, well, if there was ever a time for a little white lie, this is it. There's a brutal flu going around here that takes you down for a week (seriously) - I think you might be coming down with it? Symptoms will start to appear ... Dec 20? And Yvan will have to stay home to take care of you, of course.

Of course I also hope like hell that you will get good visa news before Xmas... there is still time!!

K_I_T_ said...

Hugs.......if you go for the shower until the visa gets in, Yvan would probably want you to conserve energy, so it will get turned into a cold one...(hehe)
trying to make light of the shitty process of waiting. can't say anything more than, Your a good friend...h*&g i% Th*#e.

hazel said...

FCKU! It's not really polite, but I'm at a loss for ladylike words.

Like Ramona, every day I look at the pictures of our 4 kids together (with Biset pointing to them all over and over again and saying Ade's name). My heart aches for you guys.

I'm praying for those Christmas miracle angels to deliver some great news to you this week!