Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Monday, September 26, 2011

Manic Monday

Remember when I did Manic Monday posts? It was really good for my soul to write those posts.

I had so much going on in my head and heart that I needed to get it out and see if other people understood.

And they did.

I'm not happy other people have gone through PADS but it did help me feel like I wasn't alone or crazy.

So, I thank you for that!

I rather abruptly stopped writing the Manic Monday posts.

I didn't want to complain all the time. I wanted to feel better.

And I do!

Much better.

Now, Manic Mondays mean trying to get all of us up, fed, dressed and out the door on our way to work, daycare and errands for the week.

Instead of getting up dreading what the week will bring, we are all raring to go and see what is in store for instead. O.k. we aren't raring every Monday. I mean it is Monday after all.

Monday for Yvan means getting a handle on work for the upcoming week.

Ade's Monday is spent playing with other like-minded 2 years old at daycare (we call it school).

My Monday is getting laundry done, groceries for the week bought, dogs walked and other miscellaneous errands completed.

Having daycare has been a wonderful tool for us and has brought our family closer. It might seem a bit early to have him in daycare but he loves it and the break is good for me. It also means I can get stuff done and out of the way so when we spend time together Tuesday and beyond I am completely present for him.

Manic Monday has taken on a new meaning.

Gone are the days of "How will I get through this week?"

Now it is a day of "How much fun can we have together this week!"

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

They are FINALLY Home

Tova, Hoty, G-man and JOY are finally home.

Queen E and B-man were sure glad to see them come through those airport doors.

How do I have these photos you ask?

My momma went and joined the others in greeting them at the airport.

So glad you are all home safe and sound TOGETHER!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Friday, September 16, 2011

Confession Friday

I confess I have no clue where the week went! I can't believe it is Friday again.

I confess it has gotten cold here. Cold enough for us to turn on our furnace at night.

I confess I am still thinking about another tattoo. Actually likely 2 tattoos. One of Ade's name in Amharic on my arm...another one still to be determined with Africa in mind.

I confess we are having some family photos done again this weekend. Casual shots of the 3 of us...the ones we had in the spring were amazing but I was not "present" so these will be ones where we are are all much happier.

I confess Grandma and Grandpa are taking Ade for a sleep over tonight. He loves going over there and we love the night to ourselves. Anything can happen on our date nights you know...even falling asleep on the couch by 9p.m. ;)

I confess I took Ade to a Karate class last night. He did great...for the first 10 minutes... and then he just ran around the rest of the class while they did their moves. That is o.k. because he was exhausted when we got home and went right to bed without a peep!

I confess my little Grandma has been very sick the last couple of weeks and has me worried. She is 88 and we are very close and I love her very much!

I confess Ade and I are going for a walk this morning with our friend Tara and her daughter Anna. We will probably stop for muffins and tea! Yum!

I confess we have tickets to see a play of a production called "Nevermore" from a theatre group out of Vancouver. The last performance we saw of theirs was "Frankenstein" and it was fantastical!!! It promises to be "The Imaginary Life and Mysterious Death of Edgar Allan Poe" and I love Edgar Allen Poe. The best part of all is we will be seeing it close to Halloween

I confess I love Halloween! We have a costume in mind for Ade already for Halloween but now I don't what to do in terms of handing out candy because that part it so much fun too! Do we go out early with Ade and come back to catch the older kids?

I confess my mom is going to the airport on Saturday to greet Tova and family and take some photos! I wish I could go with her!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Wall

See that look on my face. That is pretty much how I have felt the last 2 years.

Tired. Sad. Exhausted. Pissed off. Defeated.

The last 2 years have thrown more at me than I ever could have anticipated. There were times I thought for sure I wasn't going to make it through. There were times when I threw my hands up in the air and said "I quit! I can't do this!"

It seemed like there were walls being plopped down in front of me left, right and center.

I definitely felt like I look in the above photo when they told us Ade might not be ours to adopt.

I most certainly felt like this when they asked us to update our entire homestudy/dossier in month in order to get our documents to Ethiopia again in time for court so Ade could legally be ours.

I absolutely felt like this when we were told Ade might have T.B. which could have meant he wouldn't be coming home for months on end.

And I 110% felt like this after we arrived home with Ade and I plunged head first into my PADS.

Whatever wall kept being thrown at us we climbed it.

At times it was easy.

Sometimes it was hard.

A couple of times the wall loomed over us so tall it seemed to go upwards forever.

Every time we conquered the wall though.

The biggest wall of all was the wall that separated me from the person I am.

Somewhere in the last two years I became very negative. Self-defeating. Unmotivated.

I lost who I was.

No matter how hard I tried to find myself all I found was a deep, dark, pool of self-pity and loathing. Like somehow, I wasn't good enough because I couldn't control what was happening to us.

I wanted to make plans for myself and couldn't. A voice inside me kept telling me I wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough etc. "You will fail if you try", this wee voice convinced me, "so why put out the effort".

I'm not sure how I managed to stay married (the best husband in the world who supported me with every ounce of his being) or still have family and friends talking to me (the best support network a girl could ask for).

This has been my biggest wall.

If you knew me before we got into the ups and downs of our last 2 years you know I was outgoing, fun, motivated, easy-to-laugh and goal-oriented. (Don't mind me while I pump myself up.)

I wanted this gal back.

In the last month I have been trying to find her again.

She was there just waiting to come out.

My mother-in-law may have known she was in there...but she probably didn't know I needed her assistance to find her. She asked me sometime in July if I was going to compete in our gym's Crossfit Challenge. She thought I should. They would babysit Ade for us so we could do it together. Maybe she knew we needed to do this together.

It was the little push I needed to convince me to do it. If she thought I was capable, then I guess I should try.

As you know, I signed up.

A couple of times I considered backing out. That niggling voice tried to tell me I couldn't do it. It would whisper in my ear, "You will fail and look like a fool in front of all of those people. People you know and some you don't."

I ignored it. I tuned it out.

Instead I told myself "I can do this! You didn't get through the last 2 years of hell because you are weak!"

So I prepared in what little time I had. Instead of entering the gym in fear of the workouts (as I often did - really a fear of life in general was what I had adopted) I told myself I could do it.

I conquered a movement I had been working on for a year and half in about 3 weeks. Before walking into the competition I couldn't do a "Clean" of more than 85#. Mentally every time I tried, I blocked myself.

The Monday before the competition I hit #100 with a Jerk to get it over head too!

I was ready.

My goal was to finish the day with a smile on my face.

There were 5 workouts to complete last Saturday.

1. Find your max clean and jerk - I set a personal record of 102# on a movement I couldn't do a week before above 85#

2. Row 90 seconds for distance. - 374m

3. Push a prowler 150m for time - 59.69 seconds

4. 1 min on 1 min off the following movements
-55# Power Snatch - 16
-Ring pullups - 5
-125# fat bar deadlifts - 11
-Paralette jump throughs - 11
-Wall climbs - 7

By the time I got to the 4th workout I was tired with a capital "T" but felt like I had a bit more in me. I gave it my best shot.

I got to the wall at the end of the work out and I thought to myself "This seems fitting! After all I have been through so far today, here I am standing facing THE WALL".

The wall in front of me represented so much more than just a part of the workout.

It was the last daunting task of a particularly ugly workout and also what stood between ME and putting everything that has happened in the last two years finally to rest.

I knew I had to get over the wall as many times as I possibly could.

Every single time I hoisted myself over that damn wall, a bit of the person I am was freed. With every heave of arms, swing over with my leg and thud as I landed on the other side of the wall, more of myself was breaking away from the pain and anguish of the last 2 years.

When the buzzer sounded at the end of the minute, I had jumped the wall 7 times.


7 has always been my favourite number. I don't know why but it has.

I had done it! I had broken free of the last wall. I had jumped over enough times to send the voice of self-doubt running for its life.

My body said "Enough! You've done enough. It's time to sit, relax, enjoy and indulge in all that you have accomplished."

I didn't have it in me to do the 5th workout.

A couple of people said, "Really! You won't have a very good placing".

And I'm perfectly o.k. with that.

Because at the end of the day I have something better than a placing.

I have ME back!

And I have THE WALL to thank for it!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Waffle Sunday

Someone loves himself some waffles!!!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Confession Friday

I confess it has been a very long time since I have done a confession. I think the last one was Canada Day and really that wasn't much of a confession at all.

I confess last week we spent the week at the lake and we have determined we LOVE lake life. It is so peaceful and relaxing what with the waves lapping at the beach, the smell of campfires permeating the air and the sounds of kids actually playing outside.

I confess some good friends came and stayed with us for the September long weekend at the cabin we had rented. It was quite cozy with 11 adults, 3 kidlets and 2 dogs all hanging out in a space of about 500 sq ft but it was so much fun!

I confess all the adults who had kids didn't make it past 11p.m. My how life has changed!

I confess I love the fall! It is such a beautiful time of year. I do not, however, love the weather that follows the fall!

I confess I am counting down to Thanksgiving because Thanksgiving means PUMPKIN PIE!!!! 30 days to go!

I confess I am nervous about the competion we are in tomorrow. I have been dreaming of Clean and Jerks, deadlifts, ring pull-ups, prowler pushes and thrusters for the last 2 nights!

I confess Ade is getting so tall. He was so short and so babylike when we first met him and now he is tall and very toddler-esque.

I confess Ade has been going to daycare. He loves it. And best of all at the end of the day he is very happy to see us which is making all of us happy.

I confess I will be heading back to work soon. Full time come January but for now easing back in to it slowly. Sigh.

I confess we are building a new house. When I told Yvan I would be ready to build again, I had no idea it would mean we would be doing this year. I thought in a year or two. I need to be careful of what I say.

I confess this new house will be my work project for the next couple of months as I help organize everything for it plus de-clutter and pack our current house in anticipation of the move.

I confess I hate moving.

I confess Lyndsey and Kevin are home with their kids! This homecoming has been way to long in the making. We couldn't be happier for this lovely family of 4 to finally all be together in Canada.

I confess Tova is in Africa and I have been thinking of her everyday and hoping they will be all coming home with Joy next week!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Find Your Strong

In two days we are competing in the Bridge City Beat Down.

This week, some events have happened that have left me exhausted and not where I wanted to be at all mentally in preparation for this weekend.

But, the main thing is the people involved are on the mend as well as they can be.

The thought of not competing entered my mind but I have been preparing for this for a while now and it is one of a few goals I have set for myself over the coming months. I am not under the elusion (or delusion if you will) that I will place first but the goal, MY goal, was to finish all 5 work outs and still have a smile on my face and know that I did my very best.

However, I will continue on even though I have not had the rest I wanted or the readiness I had intended.

I will find my strong because it is in their somewhere.

If you would like to see the workouts we will be doing you can go here (I'm in the Brute category - hee hee! Me a brute!)

P.S. I really like the message this commercial has so that is why I am using it. Please don't feel the need to rush out and buy a pair Sauconys ;) Not that there is anything wrong with Sauconys - they are a delightful running shoe!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011