See that look on my face. That is pretty much how I have felt the last 2 years.
Tired. Sad. Exhausted. Pissed off. Defeated.
The last 2 years have thrown more at me than I ever could have anticipated. There were times I thought for sure I wasn't going to make it through. There were times when I threw my hands up in the air and said "I quit! I can't do this!"
It seemed like there were walls being plopped down in front of me left, right and center.
The biggest wall of all was the wall that separated me from the person I am.
Somewhere in the last two years I became very negative. Self-defeating. Unmotivated.
I lost who I was.
No matter how hard I tried to find myself all I found was a deep, dark, pool of self-pity and loathing. Like somehow, I wasn't good enough because I couldn't control what was happening to us.
I wanted to make plans for myself and couldn't. A voice inside me kept telling me I wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough etc. "You will fail if you try", this wee voice convinced me, "so why put out the effort".
I'm not sure how I managed to stay married (the best husband in the world who supported me with every ounce of his being) or still have family and friends talking to me (the best support network a girl could ask for).
This has been my biggest wall.
If you knew me before we got into the ups and downs of our last 2 years you know I was outgoing, fun, motivated, easy-to-laugh and goal-oriented. (Don't mind me while I pump myself up.)
I wanted this gal back.
In the last month I have been trying to find her again.
She was there just waiting to come out.
My mother-in-law may have known she was in there...but she probably didn't know I needed her assistance to find her. She asked me sometime in July if I was going to compete in our gym's Crossfit Challenge. She thought I should. They would babysit Ade for us so we could do it together. Maybe she knew we needed to do this together.
It was the little push I needed to convince me to do it. If she thought I was capable, then I guess I should try.
As you know, I signed up.
A couple of times I considered backing out. That niggling voice tried to tell me I couldn't do it. It would whisper in my ear, "You will fail and look like a fool in front of all of those people. People you know and some you don't."
I ignored it. I tuned it out.
Instead I told myself "I can do this! You didn't get through the last 2 years of hell because you are weak!"
So I prepared in what little time I had. Instead of entering the gym in fear of the workouts (as I often did - really a fear of life in general was what I had adopted) I told myself I could do it.
I conquered a movement I had been working on for a year and half in about 3 weeks. Before walking into the competition I couldn't do a "Clean" of more than 85#. Mentally every time I tried, I blocked myself.
The Monday before the competition I hit #100 with a Jerk to get it over head too!
I was ready.
My goal was to finish the day with a smile on my face.
There were 5 workouts to complete last Saturday.
1. Find your max clean and jerk - I set a personal record of 102# on a movement I couldn't do a week before above 85#
2. Row 90 seconds for distance. - 374m
3. Push a prowler 150m for time - 59.69 seconds
4. 1 min on 1 min off the following movements
-55# Power Snatch - 16
-Ring pullups - 5
-125# fat bar deadlifts - 11
-Paralette jump throughs - 11
-Wall climbs - 7
By the time I got to the 4th workout I was tired with a capital "T" but felt like I had a bit more in me. I gave it my best shot.
I got to the wall at the end of the work out and I thought to myself "This seems fitting! After all I have been through so far today, here I am standing facing THE WALL".
The wall in front of me represented so much more than just a part of the workout.
It was the last daunting task of a particularly ugly workout and also what stood between ME and putting everything that has happened in the last two years finally to rest.
I knew I had to get over the wall as many times as I possibly could.
Every single time I hoisted myself over that damn wall, a bit of the person I am was freed. With every heave of arms, swing over with my leg and thud as I landed on the other side of the wall, more of myself was breaking away from the pain and anguish of the last 2 years.
When the buzzer sounded at the end of the minute, I had jumped the wall 7 times.
7 has always been my favourite number. I don't know why but it has.
I had done it! I had broken free of the last wall. I had jumped over enough times to send the voice of self-doubt running for its life.
My body said "Enough! You've done enough. It's time to sit, relax, enjoy and indulge in all that you have accomplished."
I didn't have it in me to do the 5th workout.
A couple of people said, "Really! You won't have a very good placing".
And I'm perfectly o.k. with that.
Because at the end of the day I have something better than a placing.
I have ME back!
And I have THE WALL to thank for it!