These last few days have me filled with so much inner anxiousness!
If you see me, you will see a smile on my face, but inside I am ball of worry, fear, stress, anxiousness...
I am worried about our boy. Is he being cared for, fed, loved, cuddled, played with?
Now these aren't new worries. They have always been there.
They are just bubbling up even more now because we know we are close to bringing him home.
You know the old saying "So close yet so far away!"
It's how I feel right now.
It's all I can do to keep myself from booking a flight and heading to Ethiopia tomorrow.
I am worried about how we will bond with our boy.
He has been in the arms of his caregivers for over a year now. Every time I think about taking him out of the world he has known for so long I become overwhelmed with emotion.
We are both trying not to fantasize how our first meeting will go.
We know we won't be doing the slow motion running into the foster home and gathering him up in our arms and him beaming at us with joy thinking "Where have you been all my life?".
We know he will be unsure about us. "Who are these people? Why are they taking me from everything I know? What is happening to me?"
I have been reading all kinds of attachment parenting books about how to make the transition easier for him but honestly I feel like I know even less than I did before.
The reading has helped but it has also opened up the window of endless scenarios of how he will act with us and it has me chewing my fingernails with worry.
How does one feel so ready yet so not ready all at the same time?
We are ready to be parents. and we have been ready for a long time.
But we have never been parents before and this is all so new to us.
We see our friends with their kids and it all seems so easy. But it isn't easy we know that. They have had time with their children and their children are used to them as parents.
My fear is that he isn't ready for us. Of course he isn't. He has no clue we are even coming. He has been with people who know how to care for him for so long. We have no idea what his particular needs are.
O.k. yes, we do - generically - we know he needs food, diaper changes, naps, love, play time....
But we don't know his sounds and cries and what it is that comforts him when he is scared.
We will learn these things over time but right now I am anxious.
I am worried he will be shouting in his little head "These people have no idea what they are doing! Someone help me!" while in reality it will come out as sobs of fear and we won't know how to make him feel and know we are there for him when he needs.
Then the anxiousness of "we have missed so much" kicks in. It has been a year since we first saw his sweet little face and he has grown and changed so much with out us.
It breaks my heart!!
I want to rewind the clock and have that time back with him but I can't.
I look forward to all the firsts we will have together as a family but will always mourn the firsts we didn't get to share with him.
I can't wait for the day they tell us we can go get him but I also dread it because it is the day we take him from the home he has always known.
I feel like I am a babbling baffoon right now...there is so much going on inside of my heart and head.