Our Boy is a Fighter

We found out this afternoon that our wee boy was in the hospital again over the weekend.

Fighting pneumonia again.

He is a fighter! Our boy is a fighter.

We are told he is doing well since he got his meds and is now back in the foster home.

But we are worried and scared.

This is why I have been such a basket case lately (if you hadn't noticed)!

Since the first time we found out he was in the hospital back in August...his getting sick again has been a constant worry.

Our wee man is tiny! He is 10 months old and weighs around 15lbs...tiny!

But he is a fighter!!!

My anxiety level is now absolutely operating at LEVEL 5! That is high! Right Sandi and Cheryl!

We have been told court application has been made! This is good!

What would be even better is an actual date. We may have that too....but they aren't 100% on that so won't commit...

WE. NEED. A. COURT DATE.

Please!!

Our son, our little fighter...he needs to be home with us.

Nope, not this time either....

We got word that we are not in this group of referrals.

I am broken...spent...done.

When does one say enough?

Feelin' A Bit Like This Today!

I woke up today feeling a bit like this!

I feel as though I have bitten off more than I can chew...

I feel like the rest of the world has their head on straight well mine is a little off centered.

If you talk to me today I might do this...

...and then realize my mistake and feel bad.Lately I have been doing a lot of this....

At work I am feeling like this....

...and every time the phone rings I do this....

...and when it isn't the call I want it to be I do this!

If the day ever does come when the phone rings and it is "The Call" I will probably look like this!


Happy Monday!

Moaning Myrtle Runs Again

Remember when I wrote this post! (hmmm....maybe you don't)

I can hardly believe that almost a year has passed since then. But alas, it has!

I have been a Moaning Myrtle lately

but I feel that now it is o.k. to do some moaning! I mean come on - we have been waiting for our family for a while now! I used to try and put on a happy face when people asked about our adoption! Now, I tell them how I am feeling - sad, frustrated, disillusioned, angsty(yes, I said angsty - is that even a word)! And you know what, people have been really good about it for the most part!

Being a Moaning Myrtle doesn't mean I am always sad - I am happy - happy to have my health, Yvan, my animals, my family and friends. I am happy every day I wake up because really, just the fact that I have woken up is a good thing!

But the sadness is always there, simmering underneath! We are once again watching our neighbourhood wake-up from the long winter - families out for walks again...babies are EVERYWHERE I tell you! EVERYWHERE!

Two couples we know are having their second baby since we started our adoption...That. My friends... is a bitter-sweet pill to swallow! We are happy for them but sad for ourselves. They will have gotten pregnant AND given birth again before we are even home with our wee one.

And so I moan! My Maternal Clock is going "tick, tock, tick, tock" well it is really more of a Gong! I am surprised you haven't heard it! It does make sleeping a bit of a challenge lately what with all the GONG! GONG! GONG! ringing thru my ears. I tried ear plugs - it doesn't work!

There is one thing that helps drown out the noise of the clock - running - but I broke up with running last July because of injuries but since spring has come to town (my letter to Winter worked by the way) I see it everywhere. So, I am going to start again and in the next 7 weeks I will train to run 10K like I did here last year. Yikes! Only 7 weeks! I hope the thump, thump, thump of the my feet hitting the pavement will keep out the Gonging...but if it doesn't, then I will just crank up the ipod a little louder!

So, I hope you will excuse my moaning for the next little while - I will probably moan about our wait some more and I will DEFINITELY moan about my 10K training! Did I mention I only have 7 weeks to get ready! Oh boy!

P.S. There are actually two things that drown out the GONG - Twilight is the other and I have started reading the series again - mock me if you must but it really works!

Hargewoin Teferra

It is with a very sad heart I post this link.

http://www.thereisnomewithoutyou.com/blog?op=view&id=64

I never knew Hargewoin Teferra but she inspired me with her determination to help as many children in Ethiopia as she could. Her story in "There is No Me Without You" touched my heart in away I will never forget.

She will be remembered by all who knew her, met her or read her story.

To Be Sad or Not To Be Sad...

..that is the question.

Am I crazy (for wont of a better word) for being excited that we have almost hit the 10 month mark? It feels like I should be - other people tell me I am.

Truth be told - I am excited! In my heart, I know, we are getting closer to the reality of our long anticipated dream of family. In my heart, I know, a child has or is being born right now who will join our family to make it complete. I can feel it, sense it! As though my maternal instinct has suddenly kicked in.

When we started this journey we were told the wait for a referral would be 2-10 months. That seemed reasonable to us - it seemed reasonable because if we were able to conceive a child biologically we would have to wait nine months anyways...another month beyond that seemed fantastic to us - dream like almost.

However, that has not remained the case - time lines have been extended now to 8-14 months. Every time we have read or heard times have been extended, we have mourned. I have been angry, cursed, shouted, and wept out my frustrations. I read yesterday of a couple of families with similar requests as ours who are at 12 and 12 1/2 months waiting with no referral yet. It breaks my heart because I know the reality is such we will have to wait even longer than the 12 months we had buried in our hearts as hope. We now, once again, have to open the wound and patch it with a new hope. But patch it we will!

I am excited. We are 10 months waiting instead of when we were 2, 4 or 6 months waiting. I am getting closer to the dream of being a mother. Closer to the dream of seeing Yvan as a father - and I know he is going to be the most amazing father. We are closer to the dream of seeing our parents as grandparents.

I am an only child and have laboured many, many tears for my mom and the dream of seeing her with grand kids one day. She doesn't know this but she does now if she is reading this.

I am filled with sadness when I think of the loss our child will have to endure at such a young age in order to join our family. I am not excited by this - to lose so much so young is not right. It does not follow the natural course of life - you are born, you are raised by your parents, you have your own family, you see your family have family. I am not happy our future child will have to move away from their homeland and all the things they know. The sights, sounds, and smells of life as they know it.

Will we be able to help our child thru this process? Will our child love us or resent us? Will others accept our multi-racial family? We have and still are exploring, researching and preparing ourselves for what is yet to come on that end of the spectrum.

I know I can help our child with the loss of a parent. My father left when I was very young. I know what it is like to grieve for a parent. I also know what it is like to gain a new parent such as I did when my mom re-married. The adjustment needed, as well as the bonding and attachment which takes years to achieve. I have a bit of knowledge and experience saved in THAT bank at least.

I am sad our child will lose so much but am happy we will be the ones to show them what family means again. Excited to share their life with them and show them how families can be built in various ways.

I am sad and shocked when I look at the calendar and realize I am 2 months shy of my 37th birthday, and have yet to experience the love of a child. Where did the years go? I still struggle with the fact I may never be able to experience the smell of a newborn baby and or hear the first cry as they enter into world after being born.

I am happy I will get to experience the dawning awareness of a wee one when they realize they are loved and will be safe in our arms and how they need not worry about being alone again. I am happy there will be many other firsts we will get to experience with our child.

Events have unfolded in the last month which allowed us to glimpse and bask ever-so-slightly in the excitement of our upcoming referral. These events foreshadowed how the best has yet to come and also showed us we are, without a doubt, on the exact path we are meant to be on.

I will celebrate our 10 months waiting knowing we will not have to wait another 10 months.

I will be sad! I will be happy! I will experience the rollercoaster and I WILL be stronger for it.

To be sad or not to be sad....is that really the question? Not for me...there is likely to be a bit of one and whole lot of the other still to come.

Melkam Addis Amet - Happy New Year!