Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I Feel Blue

This past week has been really hard. I have been feeling very blue lately. I think spring fever has hit and instead of making me happy it has been making me very sad.

Yvan and I love to walk around our neighbourhood with our dog and just take in the beauty of the area we call home. It is a lovely, older area in the city and there are lots of cute little character homes. The neighbours are friendly and there is always lots of activity going on outside of our window.

We have been trying to start a family for close to 3 years now ( a drop in the bucket compared to some) but to us it feels like an eternity. In the past when we went for our nightly walk, we would look fondly at the other families also out for their walks. We dreamed of the day that we would be walking the dog and pushing a stroller like others. We have been able to watch as other couples in our vicinity have started and grown their families. Many of our neighbours were like us - just a couple. Over the last couple of years we have seen many of these couples have their first child. We watched as they walked by our house in the various stages of pregnancy, and then celebrated for them when we saw them the first time out with the wee on in the stroller. Some of our neighbours have or are having their second or third child...and yet we are still without the dream we once thought was so easy to attain.

This past weekend we went for our first big walk about with the dog as the weather was so phenomenal. It was quite apparent to us that everyone in the entire city had the same idea as we did and literally every one and their dogs were out and about. We watched as young families walked, biked, and played all over the neighbourhood. The sight of all these families made me so incredibly sad. I began to feel an unbearable emptiness and longing to have what all these people have.

It really became apparent to me this weekend, how much I really want a family of my own. How much I really want to be a mother! Now, I have always wanted to have a family, it is just for some reason this weekend my heart really decided to tell me how much! Maybe I have been downplaying it in my mind because of the heartbreak we have already been thru that led us to the wonderful, yet tough road to adoption.

I have this feeling of desperation, of need, of wanting and deep sadness. I want to have our child home with us. I have never been good at being patient which is a giant hurdle for me to overcome in this process. I know we have a long wait ahead of us - and if recent referral times are any indication it will be longer than we first anticipated. I told Yvan this weekend that I am not sure how I will get thru the next months. I know this is hard for him too, but he says the hard part for him will come once we have the referral and we are waiting to get our baby. It was 5 months yesterday since our dossier went to Ethiopia! Looking back at it now it doesn't seem like such a long time, but when I look at the road ahead it seems as though there is no end in sight.

I really feel like I shouldn't complain as we have a good life. We are blessed with loving family and fantastic friends, 3 awesome furry "kids", a beautiful home and a small but successful business. Yet, something is definitely missing. The whole in my heart can no longer be hidden and I am tired of trying. There are so many days I put on my happy face when all I want to do is cry out and tell people how I am feeling.

I know we can't complain about the wait because there are families who have been waiting much, much longer than us for a referral and I can't begin to imagine how they are feeling. I look up to these other families as beacons of hope. If they can do it, so can we....right?

I can't control this process and that is another big hurdle for me to overcome. I like to be in control....however, my hands are tied and I am forced to wait and be patient.

I don't always feel this sad and I know this too shall pass - a hug from Yvan, a good laugh or cry, a call from a friend -will bring me out of it!

But right now, today, I feel blue!


Dianne said...

I think whether you've been waiting 5 months or 10 or more for a referral... waiting for your family is gut wrenching sometimes, especially when you consider the years before starting the adoption process.

I know what you mean about watching other families grow and just feeling like you want to be there too.

Hang in there Rana. We're all waiting together.

Sending you a million cyber-hugs.

Shannon & Dan said...

I know what you mean about this weekend. We went for a walk at the zoo and the entire city was there. I think we were the only ones there without kids. Talk about feeling out of place. I couldn't stay there too long, it was too hard.
Try to just celebrate the fact that yeah, 5 months down!, 5 months closer.


Ricki said...

Oh I so wish I could give you a hug right now. I am so there with you, the thoughts, the feelings, the hopelessness.
And while I won't lie and tell you that it gets easier 'cause it doesn't but I will tell you that not all days are like this. There sure are some doozies that's for sure but there are also ones that are much better, full of hope, excitement, and anticipation!
A good cry (especially on the phone or with another future adoptive parent) seems to really help (my # is 773-4885 if you want to call me :). I'm here for ya!

CinnamonOpus said...

Oh honey, I sure do know the feeling -- it's like you've been spending time in my head! And we all go through it. It's totally natural -- not that it makes it any easier, mind you, but it IS totally okay to feel blue and frustrated.

I've had more than my share of pity parties over the years! We get all the neighbourhood moms and kids congregating out front of our house, or I get emails of friends having babies, or I see a daddy walking hand-in-hand with his little girl... you name it, I get all welly and sad.

BUT... it passes. Or at least, with time, it gets easier to bear. And as that time passes, you are getting closer and closer to realizing the dream of a family. You just have to keep your eyes on the prize, and get up each day and take a deep breath, and keep going forward.

And know you have all of us with you, here to be a shoulder to cry on or to send along virtual hugs and comfort when you need it.

Tanya said...

I am so sorry you are having a rough time.

Rana and Yvan said...

Thanks for the love girls! I am so happy to have the support of such fantastic people - I don't think I could make it without you all!

Sending big hugs back to each of you!!

Ricki - I will definitely give you a call - but I'll wait until you are back from Whistler so you can tell me all about it



Rhonda & Kristin said...

Thinking of you lots Rana! This family planning is not an easy road and some days are better than others. It's alright to be sad some days, it's tough to stand by and feel like nothing is moving on our dossiers. Think of the fun our kids will have hanging out!! If you ever want to chat 883-3015.. Give me a shout!


haze said...

I hope you are feeling a bit better today, Rana. I agree, somedays it can be hard to watch other families grow - it just all seems so easy for them. But not all of us are destined to grow our families in the same way. Some of us are specially blessed to build our families through adoption as part of the true global village.

Ramona said...

First I must say you are one blessed woman to have found a supportive group of friends to hear and understand you! My years of waiting for kids were so lonely with no one who understood that desire, pain and longing, which can hit at the most unexpected times at the worst places... And yes, I have two miracle fertility drug kiddos, but after moving on to secondary infertility and waiting, I still so feel those emotions, oven thought I do have kids (And nope, still none of my close friends understand this). And now, to KNOW there are kids for us but we can't be with them or even know how they are, it brings in even more emotions and longings and fears... I know I'm not in the same place since I do have kids, but I do feel for you. Aren't blogs a great place to "debrief" and then get support from friends.
I look forward to near future posts of you and your little one going to the zoo, of you proudly out for walks pushing your stroller and of you with your family!

Sandra Knight said...

feeling your sadness and frustration... as if it was yesterday! in fact it was just yesterday that our kids got thru court (back in 2007) and even now it feels like a miracle. YES we are together. it will happen. sk