This past week has been really hard. I have been feeling very blue lately. I think spring fever has hit and instead of making me happy it has been making me very sad.
Yvan and I love to walk around our neighbourhood with our dog and just take in the beauty of the area we call home. It is a lovely, older area in the city and there are lots of cute little character homes. The neighbours are friendly and there is always lots of activity going on outside of our window.
We have been trying to start a family for close to 3 years now ( a drop in the bucket compared to some) but to us it feels like an eternity. In the past when we went for our nightly walk, we would look fondly at the other families also out for their walks. We dreamed of the day that we would be walking the dog and pushing a stroller like others. We have been able to watch as other couples in our vicinity have started and grown their families. Many of our neighbours were like us - just a couple. Over the last couple of years we have seen many of these couples have their first child. We watched as they walked by our house in the various stages of pregnancy, and then celebrated for them when we saw them the first time out with the wee on in the stroller. Some of our neighbours have or are having their second or third child...and yet we are still without the dream we once thought was so easy to attain.
This past weekend we went for our first big walk about with the dog as the weather was so phenomenal. It was quite apparent to us that everyone in the entire city had the same idea as we did and literally every one and their dogs were out and about. We watched as young families walked, biked, and played all over the neighbourhood. The sight of all these families made me so incredibly sad. I began to feel an unbearable emptiness and longing to have what all these people have.
It really became apparent to me this weekend, how much I really want a family of my own. How much I really want to be a mother! Now, I have always wanted to have a family, it is just for some reason this weekend my heart really decided to tell me how much! Maybe I have been downplaying it in my mind because of the heartbreak we have already been thru that led us to the wonderful, yet tough road to adoption.
I have this feeling of desperation, of need, of wanting and deep sadness. I want to have our child home with us. I have never been good at being patient which is a giant hurdle for me to overcome in this process. I know we have a long wait ahead of us - and if recent referral times are any indication it will be longer than we first anticipated. I told Yvan this weekend that I am not sure how I will get thru the next months. I know this is hard for him too, but he says the hard part for him will come once we have the referral and we are waiting to get our baby. It was 5 months yesterday since our dossier went to Ethiopia! Looking back at it now it doesn't seem like such a long time, but when I look at the road ahead it seems as though there is no end in sight.
I really feel like I shouldn't complain as we have a good life. We are blessed with loving family and fantastic friends, 3 awesome furry "kids", a beautiful home and a small but successful business. Yet, something is definitely missing. The whole in my heart can no longer be hidden and I am tired of trying. There are so many days I put on my happy face when all I want to do is cry out and tell people how I am feeling.
I know we can't complain about the wait because there are families who have been waiting much, much longer than us for a referral and I can't begin to imagine how they are feeling. I look up to these other families as beacons of hope. If they can do it, so can we....right?
I can't control this process and that is another big hurdle for me to overcome. I like to be in control....however, my hands are tied and I am forced to wait and be patient.
I don't always feel this sad and I know this too shall pass - a hug from Yvan, a good laugh or cry, a call from a friend -will bring me out of it!
But right now, today, I feel blue!