Thursday, September 11, 2008

To Be Sad or Not To Be Sad...

..that is the question.

Am I crazy (for wont of a better word) for being excited that we have almost hit the 10 month mark? It feels like I should be - other people tell me I am.

Truth be told - I am excited! In my heart, I know, we are getting closer to the reality of our long anticipated dream of family. In my heart, I know, a child has or is being born right now who will join our family to make it complete. I can feel it, sense it! As though my maternal instinct has suddenly kicked in.

When we started this journey we were told the wait for a referral would be 2-10 months. That seemed reasonable to us - it seemed reasonable because if we were able to conceive a child biologically we would have to wait nine months anyways...another month beyond that seemed fantastic to us - dream like almost.

However, that has not remained the case - time lines have been extended now to 8-14 months. Every time we have read or heard times have been extended, we have mourned. I have been angry, cursed, shouted, and wept out my frustrations. I read yesterday of a couple of families with similar requests as ours who are at 12 and 12 1/2 months waiting with no referral yet. It breaks my heart because I know the reality is such we will have to wait even longer than the 12 months we had buried in our hearts as hope. We now, once again, have to open the wound and patch it with a new hope. But patch it we will!

I am excited. We are 10 months waiting instead of when we were 2, 4 or 6 months waiting. I am getting closer to the dream of being a mother. Closer to the dream of seeing Yvan as a father - and I know he is going to be the most amazing father. We are closer to the dream of seeing our parents as grandparents.

I am an only child and have laboured many, many tears for my mom and the dream of seeing her with grand kids one day. She doesn't know this but she does now if she is reading this.

I am filled with sadness when I think of the loss our child will have to endure at such a young age in order to join our family. I am not excited by this - to lose so much so young is not right. It does not follow the natural course of life - you are born, you are raised by your parents, you have your own family, you see your family have family. I am not happy our future child will have to move away from their homeland and all the things they know. The sights, sounds, and smells of life as they know it.

Will we be able to help our child thru this process? Will our child love us or resent us? Will others accept our multi-racial family? We have and still are exploring, researching and preparing ourselves for what is yet to come on that end of the spectrum.

I know I can help our child with the loss of a parent. My father left when I was very young. I know what it is like to grieve for a parent. I also know what it is like to gain a new parent such as I did when my mom re-married. The adjustment needed, as well as the bonding and attachment which takes years to achieve. I have a bit of knowledge and experience saved in THAT bank at least.

I am sad our child will lose so much but am happy we will be the ones to show them what family means again. Excited to share their life with them and show them how families can be built in various ways.

I am sad and shocked when I look at the calendar and realize I am 2 months shy of my 37th birthday, and have yet to experience the love of a child. Where did the years go? I still struggle with the fact I may never be able to experience the smell of a newborn baby and or hear the first cry as they enter into world after being born.

I am happy I will get to experience the dawning awareness of a wee one when they realize they are loved and will be safe in our arms and how they need not worry about being alone again. I am happy there will be many other firsts we will get to experience with our child.

Events have unfolded in the last month which allowed us to glimpse and bask ever-so-slightly in the excitement of our upcoming referral. These events foreshadowed how the best has yet to come and also showed us we are, without a doubt, on the exact path we are meant to be on.

I will celebrate our 10 months waiting knowing we will not have to wait another 10 months.

I will be sad! I will be happy! I will experience the rollercoaster and I WILL be stronger for it.

To be sad or not to be that really the question? Not for me...there is likely to be a bit of one and whole lot of the other still to come.

Melkam Addis Amet - Happy New Year!


Kristen & Dave said...

Rana you have me in tears. I echo alot of what you're saying - you're fears and your longing - and I can only offer my support to you as you wait for your little angel. I pray for a speedy referral for you and Yvan.

D Dae said...

I have goosebumps, you summed up the feelings of waiting so well. It is so hard, the waiting, not knowing when or who is waiting for you at the end of this process. But know that those firsts you will experience with your child will be the important ones, the ones they remember... first swim lessons, first day of school, first bike, first loves... it will all be there for you once your little one finds you. Take care, and as much as possible enjoy the journey. Not many people are as blessed as we are to even experience this, including both the pain, struggles, joys and love.

Rhonda said...

I'm emotional every day as it is, but geez, girl. It's a catch 22. Exciting that we're almost there, but no so exciting because we seem so far away still.

All I know, 37 years, whatever! You're only as young as your heart is, and I know you have many years of baby cuddling to fit in there.


Ricki said...

Enjoy the excitement!!!! It is such a great feeling and although we know sad and hard times are ahead, it's so nice to be able to enjoy happiness for a few moments!
The majority of your waiting is now behind you and I am so excited for you to finally see the face of your baby, YOUR baby!

Sherri said...

Ok...sob.... this has to be the coolest thing - such a tight knit group of people - amazingly attached, when some of us have not even met - we are all behind you and we'll all rejoice along with you and your referral!

Sharla said...

Completely beautiful post and just so well put and written. I hope that you will save this post to put into your future baby's life book so that someday they can read your heart on paper.

On a completely unrelated note (it feels wrong to even write it because it doesn't match the mood of your post at all!), the two recipes you asked for just happen to be from The Big Cook. Most of the recipes we used weren't from there but the Lazy Lasagna, the Pepper Lime Chicken, and the Curried Chicken are from there. You'll have to let me know how your freezer cooking day turns out!

Shannon and Dan said...

Wow! So well said! I hope that there is more ups than downs on this roller coaster ride.


Ramona said...

Rana, you've written the heart of many of us- the many of us on the journey. The ups and downs. The steps we celebrate and find joy in. The moments we are filled with hope and joy, and the moments that crush our hope as we are filled with sadness and longing. I'm grasping what Riki said "The majority of your waiting is now behind you". And I so look forward to hearing you blog about all the many firsts you and your child will experience in life together. There is a lot of mourning to do on this journey- but isn't it through hard times that we grow the most and develop our character? Ok, so I'm sick of growing and developing character. I have no great words to encourage but do know I pray for you (and many others on the journey) and for that referral call....

The Warren Family said...

I too think that was a very well put post. This adoption waiting game is really a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs.
Hang in there,


haze said...

I read this when you first posted it but was a bit too verklempt to comment. All I can say is: Beautiful. And thank you.