...that is how I would describe this next part of our wait.
The first part, the waiting for a referral bit, was stressful because it took so long and it seemed like it might never happen.
Then it did!
And we saw our son's face for the first time.
We both carry pictures with us to show people
To look at whenever we want.
We have photos of him around our house so we can gaze into his gorgeous big, brown eyes and dream of the day we are holding him in our arms.
I don't think either of us feel stressed anymore or at least it is a different kind of stress - preparation stress.
We are relieved to know who are son is.
Excited to see how he will fit into our life with us and how we will fit into his.
But vulnerable, because now we know him.
We love him!
He is ours!
You don't realize how much you love this little person until you get a phone call saying he is sick and has been taken to the hospital and they aren't sure what is wrong just that he wasn't himself.
The love, it washed over us both and the fear that we might lose this little guy before we even got to meet him brings tears of worry, sadness and anxiousness.
We feel vulnerable while we wait by the phone for an update - an afternoon and an evening pass...the morning comes and we get the news we hoped we would hear....
He is improving but still not sure what is wrong.
More answers will come tomorrow.
The next day comes and we are told he has improved even more and they know he has pneumonia and are treating him for it.
Vulnerable because we can't be there to hold his hand.
Let him know we love him.
Hug him and cuddle him and tell him he will be alright!
Helpless because there is nothing we can do from here.
Thankfully he is the hands of people who care!!! They are doing everything they can to make sure he is taken care of and loved for us.
We were handling the wait to bring him home well, it had only been a month since we saw him for the first time...we thought it won't be so bad...this wait to bring him home.
But now...all we want is to bring him home tomorrow!
Vulnerable because we have to be patient and know that he is doing much, much better but still yearning to be with him.
Vulnerable because we know, so far, we are lucky...he is alive.
Vulnerable when we hear the news of another family whose sweet baby boy didn't make it. We send that family our deepest condolences and heartfelt sympathies because no one should ever have to go through that. Losing a child. Beyond comprehension.
The love we have for our children before we even meet them...that love! Is very strong!!!
Until he is safe and sound in our arms...the next few months will have us feeling vulnerable.