Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Vulnerable...

...that is how I would describe this next part of our wait.

The first part, the waiting for a referral bit, was stressful because it took so long and it seemed like it might never happen.

Then it did!

And we saw our son's face for the first time.

We both carry pictures with us to show people

To look at whenever we want.

We have photos of him around our house so we can gaze into his gorgeous big, brown eyes and dream of the day we are holding him in our arms.

I don't think either of us feel stressed anymore or at least it is a different kind of stress - preparation stress.

We are relieved to know who are son is.

Excited to see how he will fit into our life with us and how we will fit into his.

But vulnerable, because now we know him.

We love him!

He is ours!

You don't realize how much you love this little person until you get a phone call saying he is sick and has been taken to the hospital and they aren't sure what is wrong just that he wasn't himself.

The love, it washed over us both and the fear that we might lose this little guy before we even got to meet him brings tears of worry, sadness and anxiousness.

We feel vulnerable while we wait by the phone for an update - an afternoon and an evening pass...the morning comes and we get the news we hoped we would hear....

He is improving but still not sure what is wrong.

More answers will come tomorrow.

The next day comes and we are told he has improved even more and they know he has pneumonia and are treating him for it.

Vulnerable because we can't be there to hold his hand.

Let him know we love him.

Hug him and cuddle him and tell him he will be alright!

Helpless because there is nothing we can do from here.

Thankfully he is the hands of people who care!!! They are doing everything they can to make sure he is taken care of and loved for us.

We were handling the wait to bring him home well, it had only been a month since we saw him for the first time...we thought it won't be so bad...this wait to bring him home.

But now...all we want is to bring him home tomorrow!

Vulnerable because we have to be patient and know that he is doing much, much better but still yearning to be with him.

Vulnerable because we know, so far, we are lucky...he is alive.

Vulnerable when we hear the news of another family whose sweet baby boy didn't make it. We send that family our deepest condolences and heartfelt sympathies because no one should ever have to go through that. Losing a child. Beyond comprehension.

The love we have for our children before we even meet them...that love! Is very strong!!!

Until he is safe and sound in our arms...the next few months will have us feeling vulnerable.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Very well said Sweetie.

I can't wait for the day we have him home with us.

Love Yvan.

Ramona said...

Vulnerable is the word. This brings a whole new dimension to "long distance love". I have been praying for you guys and for healing for little Ade since hearing about him being sick. I'm so glad they took him in and that he is being cared for, but oh how hard it must be to not be there to hold him and make sure everything is being done that could be... And oh how I yearn to hold my little ones and see you holding Ade.

I can't wait for the day that this waiting step has passed...
Ramona

Darrell and Jess said...

Vulnerable is a perfect word to describe this stage of adoption...

june said...

It is definitely terrifying to get a message like that when your child is on the other side of the world. On the other hand, it's good that someone is paying enough attention that "just not himself" is noticed and acted upon.

Glad to hear he is improving - and I hope these next few tough months go by quickly for you.

Brendan said...

I can't wait until you guys are able to bring him home and hold him safely in your arms.

Mary

K_I_T_ said...

Well put. Feeling it too. So glad Ade is better and hope he keeps on the mend. Can't wait to go get those babies of ours and get em home.

Dianne said...

Oh Rana, what a scary message to receive. I'm so glad he's on the mend.

Thank God he is being cared for by nurses who know and love him enough to notice something wasn't quite right. A similar thought was the only thing that kept me going through the vulnerable months while we waited to bring Hana home. And you are spot on... "vulnerable" is most definately the word.

Big hugs to you while you wait for sweet Ade.

Julie said...

Ack! I'm so sorry. How scary. He is being taken care of I am sure. I want him home now!!

Tova said...

What a hard post to read...reminded me of the hard, HARD months to bringing E. home. 8 months where we gritted our teeth. Didn't know how long it would be, and if at any point we would get a call saying that she had died. As was the case with too many families. You are right. It is vulnerable. The great thing is that you love him. That you are bonded, that you will look at him and know. It's amazing.

D Dae said...

Oh my goodness, {hugs to you and Yvan!} How very, very scary and difficult. I did not know he was ill, please keep me posted. I am seeing lots of healing love and vibes his way. I hope the phone call tomorrow is even better.

We waited 8 months to bring Taye home, and I can say with complete honesty the post referral wait is a million times harder than the referral wait.

Take care of yourselves, and keep me posted.

lyndsey&kevin said...

Oh what a WORRY. I hope all is well and Ade is home safe and sound with you and Yvan VERYYYYY SOON.

xo
L

shaunak said...

Rana and Yvan,

I completely understand what you are going through and how frightening it is. We also heard that our 9 month old son was sick while in the Foster Home and I just wanted to get on the next flight and be with him. I want you to know that CAFAC was incredibly supportive, even offering to find out the pyhsicians e-mail so I could contact him myself, and I know that he was cared for as carefully as he would have been had I been there. I realize knowing that he is in loving hands won't take away your anxiety, but I hope it will bring you some measure of peace.

I'm thinking of your family and hoping you soon hear some re-assuring news.

Shauna

Susana said...

Abdu also had pneumonia while he was at the transition home, but we didn't find out about it until we were there and talking with the doctor in person. He was also quite underweight and we worried about his health all the time. But since the day we met him he has been unbelievably healthy, almost as if his tough start in life made him stronger. These little ones are very resilient, and while I can't promise that your sweet Ade will be ok, I truly think he will be.

hazel said...

I am so glad they've determined what is wrong so they can treat it quickly and effectively.

Being so far away from your ailing child - it makes me shudder for you guys. Thank God Ade is getting better. He's a tough little soul, that one!

Littleone said...

You said it so well.

I was so sorry to hear about poor Ade and I am glad that he is doing better and they are taking such good care of him.

Everytime you think you can breath during this journey something happens to remind you how things realy are out of our control and how helpless that can make us feel.

Praying for no more bad news and only good news from now on!

Donna

Gaunt Family said...

From one vulnerable mama to another, I am sending my love to you both. It is winter there, as you know, and I saw many folks with penumonia in Kenya in June and July. I am so glad he is getting good care and healing. Nothing can take away the anxiety until you hold that sweet boy in your arms (and know he is coming home), but Tova is right. It is right and good to bond with him. He is your son.

BCMommy said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't think you could have described the feeling any better. How awful to not be able to scoop him up and cuddle him and make the illness go away. BUT- thankful that the caregivers had the love and wherewithall to see that he was not acting like himself and get him the care he needed quickly. I am glad to hear he is getting better and I hope you can find strength to see yourselves through until he is in your arms. I will be thinking of you guys :)
Claire

Claudia said...

Oh, Rana!!! Im' so sorry to hear he's been sick. And I'm only getting a little taste of the feelign of seeing a photo before seeing the real thing, and that is hard enough... you guys must be feelign this so much more than I can imagine.

I know you still have a while before you can go out. If it's allowable for me to visit your little man and take pictures, please let me know and I will defintely do it! We had someone visit our babies last week and I would love to give someone the same happiness that they gave me.

Hope to hear that he is ALL better very soon.

HUGS!

DEBBIE said...

So glad to hear is doing much better....
Debbie

CinnamonOpus said...

Oh my goodness, how terrifying. I had no idea little King Sunny Ade was sick, but I am so relieved to hear he is on the mend and he is being so well taken care of.

(Yes, he has his own nickname around here. WHAT? We're attached, already! He's one of the few boys BDH is thinking of allowing That Baby to date.)

Hugs and good thoughts to you guys and your darling boy.

tobink said...

Yeah, I can relate to that chronic state of vulnerability, that just won't go away until your son is in your arms.

So sorry Ade has been sick. But glad to read also that he's getting better.

I hope he is with you and Yvan soon.

Karen T.

natasha said...

Oh Rana I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It must be so difficult to be so far away - kinda like you are torn in half. It is good to know he is getting better and that he is loved and well cared for.
Please know we are thinking of your family of 3 and can't wait to hear the news that he is back in the transition home!
Natasha

sandi said...

praying for your little guy to be well and in your arms SOON!