Sunday, May 17, 2009

Don't Give Up

That is what everyone is telling me.

I haven't of course. But at the time...when I heard those words again "Sorry, we don't have anything for you this time" all the air rushed out of my body like someone had hit me in the stomach with a 1000lb weight.

I could literally hear the tinkling of my heart as it broke into teeny, tiny shards. It was screaming at me...."I can't do this anymore"...while my brain was saying..."you will get thru this, we will get thru this" oh wait...that was Yvan whispering in my ear as I cried into my pillow! I love that man...he is the best!

I have had so many people post on my blog and send me emails and messages...it is unbelievable...how can I not go on when we have so much support and love...honestly you are all so amazing...it really renews your faith in the goodness of people.

Crystal wrote: "Stay strong however you can and when you can't stand this journey, sit... and then crawl and just keep moving forward day by day... hour by hour... minute by minute...Don't give up! You have come so far!!"

I have definitely hit the crawling stage...but bloody knees and all I will keep going.

I asked in my last post "When does one say enough?"

I'll tell you when!

When we walk thru the airports doors, into the arms of our family and friends, with our wee one finally with us forever.

18 comments:

lyndsey&kevin said...

Beautifully put. It does make you want to jump ship, if we got this abused during anything else we would have stopped months ago.... but this is the journey to motherhood, so we keep marching and taking the hits. It is really absurd what we have to go through, it isn't fair in the slightest. But, one day we WILL me moms and we will start to forget about all the heartache, tears, and letdowns. Hopefully soon. I think of you often and have a room waiting for you and Yvan if you even want to come to Vancouver Island.

Dianne said...

What a day that will be. I tell you - imagining the airport arrival kept me going through the darkest days. Remember that so many other hearts are breaking with yours through these hard times. And the same hearts are carrying the hope for you too. And the same ones will be ready to celebrate with you when the times comes. You are never alone!

jenner said...

It's amazing how strong and resilient people are when they want something with all their heart. This process can be so unbelievably hard. So unexpected. Even those who feel prepared going in are left wondering at their initial idealism. I've followed your adoption for such a long time and I'm aching for both of you. What made me smile today was your description of your incredible husband. You are truly at team and he totally "gets it". I also have one of those :) and I know I couldn't do this without him. Keep taking care of our girl - you're doing a great job!

Jenn L.

Ramona said...

Rana,
I am so glad you have Yvan. And there is no way I could see the two of you giving up. But, your dear wounded heart can still cry and be angry and go through all the steps of grieving (just like the whole infertility cycle- let's get out of this already!!!) and it will not be a sign of weakness or giving up but of being human and longing for your little one. There is nothing fair or good when you wait for a little one- your little one. Know that many of us are here for you and I am praying for you and supporting you. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you guys...
Ramona

Carolyn said...

Great post Rana- very well said. There are times when it feels that you cannot go another day but then you do, why- because you set out on this journey with a goal in mind and that was to become a mother. So there is no choice than to pick yourself up and to carry on- your little one (who is out there somewhere) needs you to hold on a bit longer. They are waiting for you just like you are waiting for them. I CANNOT wait until I find out that match has been made!

Since I cannot be there in person- I am there in spirit- I will do anything I can to help you survive the rest of this journey.

Hugs

Carolyn

june said...

And that airport day will come, no matter how far off and impossible it seems right now. It really will. So keep crawling ... you will make it!

Natalie and Chris said...

Very well written post. You are an inspiration to many of us looking at the journey ahead. Thank you for being so strong, it gives many of us the push to keep strong as well. Nat

D Dae said...

I am crying reading this. I wish I could do something for you. Lots of love, Shelley

Gabrielle said...

It WILL all be worth it. I know it. You have passion and are ready. You have waited too long, but long enough will only be when your baby is in your arms and you are finally at peace and can look back and feel that the wait was "worth" it.

Tracey said...

Amen!

haze said...

YAY, Rana!! You are rallying again, my friend.

Crawl to the finish line - it doesn't matter how you do it. The end of the race - crossing that finish line at the airport - is going to be the sweetest victory. We will all win the race. Our children will be the biggest winners because they will have the parents who love them enough to crawl those 8000 miles. That is a journey not everyone is capable of making.

Fahlman World said...

Rana you are amazing : ) it does happen and it will happen & when it does your aching heart is healed. Diane

Sharla said...

Rana, somehow I missed your post about your referral not being in this batch and I am so sorry to hear this but I do know that you will keep taking one breath and then another and that you have the heart of a mother - meaning that you will not give up on your child. You will bring them home. Hang in there and know that there are many people thinking of you and praying for you.

Rhonda, Kristin, Eden said...

Luv ya lots and I'm here whenever you need me (I'm up A LOT AT NIGHTS AND VERY EARLY MORNINGS)!

Chad, Laura and Sara said...

You are truly an inspiration - I will always be someone you can count on if you need a friend...

Laura

Carey said...

Rana, you made me cry. But you are right that is when we say enough, when we walk through the door with our children.

All I know is hope is one thing we have, so yes we keep moving forward, inch by inch.

Carey

haze said...

Rana - I just noticed your ticker is at 1 year 6 months 5 days - exactly the point mine was at on my referral day. You WILL be getting that call VERY SOON!!

Darrell and Jess said...

I have a hard time with the 'one day it will happen' quote but somehow deep down we still believe it, and your post is encouraging for many! So, crawling on....