Here's to 2009!

Christmas has come and gone and now 2008 is hours away from being history! When I look back at the year it seemed as though it flew by...but a when we were in each moment it was if time was standing still, crawling by, but here we are on the cusp of a New Year!

I still can't believe it is going to be 2009! 2009! Wasn't it only the year 2000 yesterday?!

Christmas was delightful! We had tons of fun with my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents.

We watched many movies, played Wii and sung along to Sing Star. Hello!? How fun is sing star! F.U.N! that is what!

We are home again now! It is nice to go away and visit but is also nice to come home again.

We are spending the evening with some of our closest friends. What better way to bring in a New Year!! We are gearing up for cocktails, games and food, tons of food if I know our friends! We will be devouring appetizers, followed by homemade pizza and finished off with chocolate fondue...then we will play Settlers of Catan, Rummoli and take a dip in the hot tub!

Perfect!

Happy New Year to All!

Here's to 2009 and all the hopes, dreams, aspirations and adventures a New Year brings!

Cheers :)

Happy Christmas to All!

Today is our last day of work before the holidays! We are lucky enough to be able to close our office for the Christmas break. We all need time to spend with our family and friends and re-charge for the New Year! So, we are excited to not have to return to work until January 5th, 2009!!!

This year we are spending Christmas with my family out in B.C. It is the first time since Yvan and I have been together that we have gone out for Christmas to the West Coast. We have been out lots in the summer and other times but not at Christmas. We are really,really looking forward to it!

We celebrated Christmas with Yvan's family on Saturday - and it was fantastic. It really felt like Christmas day! We ate lots of good food, visited and exchanged gifts! We love his family so much and we were glad to be able to spend some time with them before we head off to Vancouver.

Saturday night I had the pleasure of spending the evening with Rhonda, Shannon, Cheryl, Jess and Shauna! I love these girls! They are so understanding, supportive and fun! Thanks for the great time gals!!!

We were hoping we might get a special something for Christmas but it looks like we will have to wait until sometime in 2009 for that now! We are sad beyond belief but because of our amazing family and friends we will get thru this Christmas season and we will be o.k.

We wish you all the happiest of Christmases and all the best in 2009!!!

Merry Christmas!!!!

Love Rana and Yvan

P.S. Here is my favourite Christmas carol done by two amazing singers! (Yes, you might have already seen it on Cinn's blog today too! Great minds think alike right Cinn :)

Marley & Me

I finished reading "Marley & Me" on Wednesday - oh my GAWD!!! Why didn't you people warn me - I mean you warned me but really you should have WARNED me!

I cried from beginning to end. Now part of that is because I have slipped out of the comfortably-numb phase back into the crying-buckets-of-tears-spontaneously phase again.

But holy-schmoly that is one tear-jerker of a book - and my dogs were both curled up with me as I was reading the end of the book - well, we had a bit of a snuggle fest for sure after I finished! If they weren't spoiled before, watch out, they are going to be even more loved and cuddled than ever now! The cats too!

Pets, what would we do without them!

The Muppets

The muppets were such a big part of my life when I was kid. I remember every week we would watch "The Muppet Show" it always made everyone happy.

I always wondered why they didn't run "The Muppet Show" again. I think kids and adults would still love them.

Much to our surprise last night we watched a brand new muppet special called "Letters to Santa" and it was so funny and cute!

Here is Kermit singing "Rainbow Connection" to make you smile.



So, since I was looking online for muppet videos - I thought I would see if there was anything on "Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas". Does anyone remember that Christmas special? It is probably my favourite Christmas show as a kid (o.k and as an adult). They used to play it all the time but I haven't seen it in years....luckily I found this video.



Oooooh...now I am really excited - I just found the DVD on Amazon - and I ordered it!!!! Ha ha ha! I am such a nerd.

Hey, you do what it takes to keep you happy and going - "Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas" does just that.

Baby, IT'S Cold Outside

When I woke up this morning the temperature outside was -35 degrees Celsius which is bloody cold!

Today is a plug-your-car-in, wear-every-piece of warm-clothes-you-own, turn-up-the-heat, better-yet-just-stay-inside kind of day!!!

Jack Frost is not just nipping at your nose - he full-on took a big hunk out of it!!!

This is what it looks like out our front door today - Brrrrrrrrr!

We decided to make our favourite breakfast - Bagels and eggs with turkey bacon

Bagels and Eggs

2 bagels
4 eggs
handful shredded cheese
spices of choice - we use Epicure Herb 'n Garlic

-Cut bagels in half and lightly toast and butter (it is good to toast the bagels first so they don't get soggy)
-Spray frying pan with Pam
-Place bagels in pan and widen holes if necessary.
-Crack 1 egg in each bagel hole carefully (sometimes you need to lift the bagel up to let the egg fall thru slightly.
-Cook on medium heat
-Add water to help steam cook eggs (like basting)
-Cover and let cook.

When eggs are close to your desired consistency - sprinkle with cheese and spices
When cheese is melted you are done

Voila Bagels and eggs! Yum.

Now, I am going to spend the day reading the book my Sis-in-law, Danielle, gave me. Whilst curled up on the couch with a blanket and a cup of Bengal Spiced tea.

And because I have been told this book is a tear-jerker - I will make sure this stays handy.


Oh and yesterday we hit 13 months!!! UGH! That dull, thudding sound you heard was just me banging my head against a brick wall!

Comfortably Numb

Or is that uncomfortably numb? I guess feeling numb shouldn't feel comfortable but it is better than feeling overwhelmed with grief...which happens -oh boy does it happen.

I feel as though I am walking around with a giant force field over me. I don't feel particularily happy and don't feel exhaustingly sad. I laugh at times, I cry at times but I feel impartial to all of it.

It is as though I am watching my life as if it were a movie...I watch the characters and I think to myself "Wow, what a difficult time they are going thru - I should give them a hug". "Maybe I could fix it and make it all better for them." Then reality hits and I realize -this is MY life. What the...how did we get here?!

What comes to mind is the song "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd

"Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?
Come on, Come on, Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down.
I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I'll need some information first.
Just the basic facts.

Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I had a FEVER My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand
This is not how I am.

I have become comfortably numb.
I have become comfortably numb.

O.K.Just a little pin prick.
There'll be no more aaaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working, good.
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
but I have become comfortably numb."

I wished I was feeling more like this



Sigh - Don't you just love Ben Harper!

What Happens...

...on a chilly Saturday morning in our house!

You doze by the fireside

You nap on the couch with your dog

You stretch out for a snooze under the Christmas Tree

You watch your favourite Christmas movies while baking

Goodbye Sweet Car

Well, SGI called last night and told us that my dear, sweet VW has been deemed a total loss! They couldn't save her! I am sad...I loved my car. It took me to and from places safely. It was fun to drive....sigh. I know it is just a car but it was my car...and so the search begins for new (used) one.


R.I.P

I will miss you!

Bead For Life

Yesterday I hosted a Bead for Life party. Bead for Life is an organization which partners with women in need from Uganda to help make a difference in their lives. The party featured beautiful beaded jewelry made of recycled paper by refugees from Northern Uganda’s brutal war and HIV+ mothers. All of the women Bead for Life works with were living on less than a dollar a day before they began making beads.

The best part of all is that the money raised from the sale of the beads goes directly to the women and communities in Uganda. The hostess/host do not get any benefits from hosting....they need to buy their jewelry just like everyone else.

Hosting the event is free - doesn't cost you one red penny (of course any food or refreshments you serve are your expense). You contact Bead for Life - they ask how big and when your party will be. You give them your address and they send you out the kit with all the jewelry in it. Then you sell the jewelry to your friends and send the money back to Beads for Life. There is no shipping costs involved - nothing, nada! It was awesome!

And the jewelry is AMAZING!!! It is so much prettier and more intricate when you see it in person.

Because I am a cotton-headed-ninny-muggins (I have been itching to use that since I watched Elf Saturday night for the umpteenth time) I forgot to take pictures of all the gals trying the jewelry on. Sheesh! Can you believe it.

I think about 25 women came out for the party (thanks to all those who brought friends and family along) making it a success. The total sales from the day where just a few dollars shy of $1700.

$1700!!!!!! YOU GALS ROCK !!! I am so excited to send the money to Bead for Life - All the purchasing of jewelry for yourself or loved ones has just made a woman and her family's life on the other side of the world that much better!!! How awesome is that!

The adoption posse came out in full force - Cheryl, Rhonda, Ricki, Sandi, Natasha, Jessica and Shauna...they hung around after for a visit and catch up...Rhonda's right...we all need to be living in the same city to do this more often - come on Ricki and Rhonda - move to Toon Town. Shannon - we missed you and wished you were there - I made black bottom cupcakes in your honour (they were awesome!). Jess it was nice to meet you! We will see you soon hopefully :)

I love that women came together to celebrate and empower women a world away. I challenge all other women out there who read my blog to throw a Bead for Life party...and blog about it!

Ever have one of those days....

...where you wish you would have just stayed in bed...or at least an extra 5 minutes at Cheryl's having tea.

Today was one of those days for me!!

In my defense, the driver ahead of me had the all clear to merge. They accelerated to merge, I looked to make sure I was clear, I accelerated and at the same time the driver in front of me decided to stop! Suddenly!!!!

I am o.k., the other driver is o.k. - her big gas guzzling SUV is o.k. - my beautiful, sleek, fairly gas efficient, heated seats and sun roof, silver 2003 Volkswagen Golf is not :(

To top it all off - the police officer, nice as she was, gave me a $280.00 ticket for "Undo Care and Attention".....There was care....there was attention!

Oy, I shoulda stayed in bed.

Phenomenal Woman

One of my favourite poems of all time is a poem by Maya Angelou called "Phenomenal Woman".

I am sending this out to the all the PHENOMENAL women who are on this crazy roller coaster ride called adoption. Whether you are just starting, waiting for a referral, waiting for court or travel or are already home with your wee ones...

...without all of you, this would be a much harder journey. Thanks for all your love and support.

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Maya Angelou

Once in a Lifetime

On this day, the day of.....37.....I am reminded of my favourite song by Talking Heads




Once in a lifetime and I am thankful to have reached it!

Need New Hobby to Pass the Time

So, I decided I need a new hobby to pass the time while we wait for our referral.

And.........I have decided to take up hula hooping!!!!!

Americus Wilson


What??!?! I could totally do that!

Do You Believe in Me?

I saw these two videos on Laura's blog the other day - these clips made me feel unbelievably sad!






Then I saw 13 year old Dalton Sherman speak on Oprah yesterday - It made feel incredibly hopeful!

This is video is of Dalton as the key note speaker at the Dallas Independent School District convention.



I believe! I believe in the future potential of our unknown child. I believe in the future potential of our youth! I believe we can make all children feel special regardless of ethnicity, skin color, gender, size, weight and so on. I believe we all must help the children of the world become what past generations could not - believers in themselves!

Froggy Went a Courting

Today I was over on Nicky's blog checking out the murals her sister is going to be doing for her beautiful twin girls' room. There were drawings of a frog and a mouse and it reminded me of an old folk song I used to listen to all the time as a kid called "Froggy Went a Courting".

I had forgotten about this song until I saw these drawings and a slew of childhood memories came rushing back.

It made me happy on this chilly Monday morning because one day I will get to share this with our kid(s)




Happy Monday!

One Year

Today marks one year since our dossier flew off to Ethiopia via Fed Ex.

I thought I would be a big, sobby, mess today but I'm not. Hmmmmmm....this is good.

Our mini-break out to the west coast definitely helped. We both needed the time to relax and unwind from the daily stresses of life.

What really helped was this: I am part of a clothing club. 10 girls get together once a month and we throw $25 into a pot. We draw a name and that girl wins the pot of money for the month. She then gets to spend her $250 anyway she wants. Anyways, we met last month on a Monday. I had not been in a good frame of mind for a while. I was sad, angry, disillusioned, tired - you name it! I had the 10 and 11 month blues bad.

I wasn't going to go to this gathering. But I thought I to myself - "Self, you need to go out, you need to be around people, you need to stop moping around the house." So, I got myself ready, showered, did my hair, put my make-up on trying to cover the deep, dark circles that had taken up residence under my eyes. I stepped back from the mirror and I thought to myself - "Self, you look pretty good, as good as one can for someone who is feeling like she has been hit by a mack truck of emotions." "You will hold your head high, no one will know you are feeling so low, you will have fun."

I headed down to the restaurant we were meeting at and sat down at the table. This night only 4 of the 10 girls could make it. We ordered drinks, some ordered food and we all chatted for awhile.

All of a sudden one the girls (who I had met thru this club and only 2 or 3 times) looked right at me and said "ARE YOU ALRIGHT? YOU LOOK VERY STRESSED!!!" And she said it just like that - fairly loud and with great emphasis! Now, it could have been my sensitive self hearing it as though it had been been broadcast on a bullhorn to the whole restaurant. I am sure she said it in her indoor voice but that is not what I heard and the worst part was she had said what I was feeling. I was feeling stressed, tired, and like I had aged a hundred years in the last few months. Only I thought I was doing a good job of hiding it - obviously not!

I deflated faster than a balloon that has been poked by a pin. I wanted to cry, crawl under the table, or run out of the restaurant as fast I could. The other girls all turned and looked at me with the look, you know the look! The look that says "aaaaaw, are you o.k.?" followed by pity nods. I explained in a condensed version why I was feeling this way. It has to be condensed for those not on the adoption roller coaster because if you get too detailed their eyes start to glaze over. They all commiserated with me and then we moved onto the next topic.

I tried to be engaged, funny, witty, and to act like there was nothing I wanted more than to be right where I was. Truth be told - I wanted to go home and sit on our couch and cry. At that exact moment - when a veritable stranger can tell you are falling apart - well, at that exact moment you have lost the art of the "happy face" and it is time to make some changes!!!

I got lost in the fear - it consumed me. I let it affect every ounce of my being - I started to believe that I was victim. I got lost in the "What if?" worst case scenarios. I forgot about the "Law of Attraction" - where what you put out into the universe is what you attract back. I was putting out fear and I was getting it back ten fold. I believed that I could control every aspect of my life and what happened was the fear started to control me. I forgot to live in the present.

I have decided I don't want to feel like I have these past few months. I want to be happy and fun to be around again. I want to laugh and enjoy life . I don't want to get consumed with the "What if?" again. Will this be easy? HECK NO!!! Will I get caught up in my own self-pity again - probably! Will I let it get as far as it did before - no way! It is way harder being sad than it is being happy.

I don't want to look and feel like this anymore:



I'd rather look like this:



So, here is to being one year closer to our dream of a family!

And me being able to keep this calm and peaceful state of mind. Oh PLEASE let me keep this calm, peaceful state of mind!! I will be calm. I will be peaceful. I will be calm. I will be peaceful. My new mantra!

Where in the World is Africa?

In my heart...that's where!!!!!!


I blogged earlier about the shopping I had done post pity party. This is another one of the wonderful items I purchased but only received about a day before we went on holidays. I love it!!! I have worn it everyday since it arrived.

This beautiful piece of jewellery called "Africa in my Heart" is from Junk Posse on Etsy. My friends Cheryl and Rhonda both have pieces from her and they inspired me to get one too. (I made sure to get one that was different from theirs.)

Thanks Tracy at Junk Posse for my gorgeous necklace.

Secret Pal

I wanted to say thank you to my lovely Secret Pal who sent me the most beautiful bouqet of flowers. I can't wait to eat them!!!!! My pal also gave me a fantastic travel book on Ethiopia and some ginger tea from E! (hey that rhymes!).

Thanks Secret Pal!!!!!!

Thanks also to Sandi for signing me up!!! You are a fantastic friend!!!

Rest and Relaxation....

.....does a guy and gal some good!

We arrived home last night just in time to swoop into the house, turn on the t.v. and watch Barack Obama become the 44th President of the United States! Whoop!!!! Just had to celebrate that!

Right, so back to being rested and relaxed! We are well rested and very relaxed. It is always good to get away from the everyday but even better is coming home!!!

Vancouver and Madonna Concert

The very first thing I should note is that Vancouver is awash in the color purple. I mean, every thing and everyone was in or wearing purple. I love purple - I bought a purple dress to wear to the Madonna concert. I thought I would be so original!!

Ya right! Yvan and I laughed because purple was everywhere. Even Madonna played a purple guitar at the concert. For once in my life I was right on time with the trend!!! Ha ha ha ha!

60,000 people attended the concert at B.C. Place. I believe all 60, 0000 people arrived at exactly the same time as we did, tried to get in the same stadium door as us, bought Madonnna paraphernalia at once (we passed on this) and then all 60, 000 people took to their seats right when we decided to go to our seats. Yikes!!! I have never been to a concert this big - it was little overwhelming to say the least.

*Edit - I forgot to mention that about 30,000 of the 60,000 people there were dressed as Madonna from one stage or other of her career. It was hilarious - why, oh why, didn't I take photos of that!!!

My momma also came to the concert with us. We had floor seats and since my mom and I are not tall it was hard to see the stage sometimes. Especially with the large noggins' sitting all around us. Good thing for the large screens on each side of the stage and binoculars. What we needed was Shannon and Dan and their fabulous photo taking expertise there with us!

Madonna did not disappoint - she is one high energy lady! I must also tell you that she is F.I.T. Fit! At 50 she is smokin' hot and still got it! She played a lot of tunes off her new album like "4 minutes" and "Beat Goes On". She also played some oldies. My favourite was a rockin' version of "Borderline" and an excellent version of "La Isla Bonita" as well as "Music", "Like A Prayer". Oh my, there were so many great songs!!! We danced the whole time :)

Here's a little montage for ya

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

We also spent 3 nights up in Whistler....it rained the whole time we were there so we pretty much just slept and ate. Thus, no photos - ha ha ha! It was perfect!

Glad to be home!

HOLIDAY!!!!

"If we took a holiday, took some time to celebrate,
just one day out of life...
it would be,it would be so nice.

Everybody spread the word
We're gonna have a celebration
All across the world
In every nation
It's time for the good times
Forget about the bad times, oh yeah
One day to come together
To release the pressure
We need a holiday

You can turn this world around
And bring back all of those happy days
Put your troubles down
It's time to celebrate
Let love shine
And we will find
A way to come together
And make things better
We need a holiday"

Can you tell I'm excited?!!?!!?!!! We both need a break - from work, from adoption, from life - to recharge, re-energize, re-connect!!

WHEEEEEEEEE - we're going to Madonna!!!!

We're going to see my Momma!!!!

We're going to see Rachel!!!

Then we are going here for 3 days

See you all in a week!!!

Much love

Wassup!

Remember the Wassup guys from 8 years ago who did the Budweiser beer commercials?

Well they are back - in support of Obama!

This commercial made me laugh and then made me think....



....Oh, how I wish I could vote in the upcoming U.S. election - Obama would definitely get my vote!

Did a Little Shopping

First of all, I really want to say thanks to every single person who reached out to me/us this week. To all of you who commented on my "Pity Party" post, phoned, emailed etc. THANK YOU! Your love and support overwhelms me!

So, I did a little shopping in the last couple of weeks much to Yvan's chagrin.

Ordered some books from Amazon for the on-line book club I am in.

I ordered - "The Train To Djibouti", "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child" and since I already had this month's children's book I ordered "A Perfect Orange - A Tale from Ethiopia". One of my weaknesses is books. I love new books - I love the smell and being the first person to open the book.

All three books look really good - the parenting book is so far already very interesting! You will notice that little Grissom wants to help me read them too.

Thanks to Rhonda posting about some retail therapy she did - I decided to do some too. (Yvan said to say "ya, thanks Rhonda!" - he he)

I bought this cute little onesie

*Edit - the onsie is from Etsy click here :)




















I also ordered this cookie cutter in the shape of Ethiopia




I am really excited about this because every year I do a baking exchange at Christmas with girlfriends. There is usually about 6 of us. We select and bake one of our favourite treats and then we exchange them. So, we end up with 6 dozen different types of baking and you only had to bake one kind. It is a good excuse for us to get together during the holidays and it makes baking for this crazy time of year easy peasy! This year I am doing Gingerbread cookies in the shape of E! Fun!

I also found these baby bottles from Think Baby at a store in town here.



The bottles are BPA free which is always good right? At least that is what THEY have been saying. I only bought two because we don't even know if our kidlet will need bottles but it seemed like a good idea at the time :)

Now, all I/we need is a holiday!!!

Oh ya, we're taking one IN 5 DAYS!!!!!

Pity Party

So, last week I threw myself a 2 day - o.k. - a 3 day long pity party! And since it was MY pity party I decided I could cry if I wanted too! Which I did - great, big, fat, wet crocodile tears. (Yvan was not happy to be a part of this party let me tell you!)

Let me explain myself here - last week our adoption community saw some long-time-coming referrals (YAAAAAAAAA Rhonda). With the knowledge that referrals are soon going to be a reality, comes the excitement.

Excitement that builds itself over a span of - hmmmmm...lets say about a week or so. There is a frenzy that starts at the tips of your toes and builds itself up to the top of your head - it's as if you are humming with electricity (seriously I could power a small town with my excitement). Even though you know it won't be your turn for the much anticipated phone call there is always that little nagging voice in the back of your head saying "maybe it WILL be your turn" and while you try to ignore that wee little voice it soon overpowers you and you start to believe that your turn will come NOW.

So, you check blogs incessantly, you stay logged into the message board for hours on end hitting the refresh button (right Ricki) over and over again hoping a new thread will pop up announcing the arrival of a referral. You tell yourself you will walk away from the computer and won't check it anymore and before you know it you are back sitting at the computer going thru the whole process again.

Every time the phone rings you jump so high you could win an Olympic Gold medal for high jump from a seated position. Then it happens, families start to post of their joyous news - they have gotten "THE CALL" and are parents. You are excited, exhilarated, happy, thrilled and relieved because it happens, it really does happen. You do a little happy dance! You wait for the phone to ring because maybe, just maybe you will get a call too. It doesn't ring.

Of course it doesn't, it is not your turn yet. Reality sinks in. Panic takes the place of excitement. Has our agency forgotten about us? Is something wrong with our file? Has our dossier gotten lost? Fallen behind a desk? Accidentally been filed in the wrong spot?

Sadness starts to creep in - the emotions of the week take over and before you know it you are sobbing. Sobbing like you have never sobbed before - sobbing the big, fat, wet crocodile tears I mentioned earlier.

You turn to your husband and between sobs ask "When will it be OUR turn?". Hugging you tightly he says, "When the time is right, sweetie, when the time is right." You know he is right but still it hurts. Hurts like no pain you have ever experienced.

And then the pity party festivities commence. You feel as though you CAN NOT continue on with the adoption for one more day. You are convinced it will never happen. You will never be a mother, you will never have children running around your home. You feel destitute, lost, and as though every single breath is a struggle. You start to consider how now would be a good time to book a ticket to the south pole to live among the penguins. Seriously, you consider it.

You mope - around the office, your house, your friends, family and co-workers - feeling sorry for yourself! You cry at the most inconvenient times, you sob in your breakfast, lunch and dinner. There could be no greater sorrow in the world then the one you are feeling at this exact moment.

Then the love starts to come to you - friends send flowers :) emails of support :) and call to see if you are o.k. (even when they are celebrating the best time in their life they remember how they felt when in your spot). Your husband tells you over and over again how much he loves you and how you will be the best momma in the whole world.

Ever-so-slowly the nagging voice in your head starts to disappear and a new one takes it place calmly telling you that you can do it, you can make it, it WILL happen. You start to take deep breaths - in with the good, out with the bad - you can make it thru this, you are strong enough, good things do happen. You remind yourself that life is really pretty good and to stop being so selfish.

You know this won't be the last time you feel this way - there is still a bumpy road ahead, more pity parties to be had. You will still have days of doubt and sadness. The only thing that will really cure this ailment is the call telling you there is a baby for you.

So, I had my pity party - I cried my great, big, fat, wet crocodile tears and I feel better for it. I can't keep all that emotion inside of me - I need to release it. Yvan held me tight and let me cry and then told me it was time move on.

I am strong, I am weak, I am human.

Ladysmith Black Mambazo

Last night Yvan and I went to see Ladysmith Black Mambazo in concert. They are from South Africa and were founded by Joseph Shabalala 47 years ago. As 3 members retired and his brother shot and killed by a security guard he has brought on his 4 sons to sing with the acappella group.

You may remember Ladysmith from Paul Simon's album "Graceland" in which they accompany him on various songs but the big hit was "Homeless".

The concert was set in an old church downtown and played to a capacity audience. Young and old grooved to the beautiful harmonies these exuberant men sang! You could tell they love what they do and the joy they bring to others.

There seems to be quite a community of South Africans in our little city and it was amazing to see quite a few people get up and dance at the front of the church.

Check to see if they are coming to your town - it is a concert you don't want to miss!!!

Congrats Rhonda and Kristin

CONGRATULATIONS RHONDA AND KRISTIN ON YOUR REFERRAL FOR A BABY GIRL!!! They waited way too long (15 months). Make sure you stop by and give them your well wishes!!

"A baby girl...one of the most beautiful miracles in life,one of the greatest joys we can ever know,and one of the reasons why there is a little extra sunshine, laughter and happiness in your world today."

Yvan and I send you hugs and jubilation for your special day - heck your special week :)

"Oh You Delicate Heart"

My friend Chad sent me this video of a song by Hawksley Workman today. He must have known my heart was feeling a bit delicate. Lori - you have a good man there!

Poverty?

Why in a world where we have a wide array of eating-for-fun contests

like this

or this

or even this

Must this happen


How you would feel if this was your child ?

"Be the change you want to see in the world" - Mahatma Gandhi

11 Months

Eleven is energetic, perceptive and intuitive. It is an highly idealistic number, and because of this can appear unstable. Eleven has almost unlimited energy, and for this reason needs to be in touch with both sides of its nature - the physical and spiritual - the mental and emotional.
Eleven is not argumentative, neither is it jealous or possessive. The eleven can seem distant and detached, when in fact it is living in its own dreams.

How many more? 1, 2, 3....is this the Eleventh Hour? I hope so!

6 Random Things

I was tagged (lovingly) by Keltie to tell you all 6 random things about myself. Since it is a holiday Monday and I am up early and bored here goes:

1. I have 2 tattoos - one of a sun on my ankle and one of a cat on my back. Yvan and I are thinking about our next tattoos and they will have to do with our adoption and Ethiopia. Note of interest - Yvan has a sun almost exactly like mine on his calf - we both got them before we ever met - Serendipity maybe ;)

2. I don't like wine - I know I am unrefined, uncool whatever - everyone I know drinks wine - I don't like it - I try but just can't get myself to drink it. I love how people look so very sophisticated when they drink it - sigh! I like gin and soda with a splash of cranberry - does that count? Ooooh or how about Sangria - I love Sangria!

3. I am claustrophobic - I don't like small, cramped spaces - elevators freak me out because I am afraid it will get stuck between floors and we will have to stay in that tiny space with no air for hours. In Thailand we rode for 2 hours in a van with no a/c, no opening windows and about 10 of us jammed in with me smack dab in the middle of the van....I almost lost my mind!

4. I am an only child - that probably explains a lot about me!

5. I am little obsessive compulsive when it comes to colors - last year I pretty much only bought and wore brown clothing - year before that it was blue, year before that it was pink. This year I seem to be into purples and greys.

6. I love to meditate - it clears my mind and allows me to let the things I don't need to think about go! I don't do it as often as I should and am finding I need it more and more as this wait goes on.

I am supposed to tag some people - I nominate Kristen, Natalie, Shannon L, Shelley and Lovesmukiwa but only if they want to :)

Happy Thanksgiving Monday!

Adoption Cures Infertility???

Right, so since we got on the roller coaster ride of emotions called International Adoption we have had a lot of comments.

For the most part, the comments have been positive. Friends and family are supportive and for that we are very thankful!

However, we still get the occasional comment that - well - just makes a girl (and a boy) wanna cry!

It is no secret that we have decided to build our family thru adoption because of "unexplained" infertility. Basically this means that after HSG testing, Laparoscopic surgery, fertility drugs etc. we have not been able to conceive a biological child and there is no medical reason as to why we can't . It just didn't happen! It was hard to understand - the gynecologist said "well, we just don't know why, sometimes we can tell from the testing but everything looks normal and seems to be operating as it should." We looked at each other dumbfounded because this is not what we expected to hear.

So, there it is! We did lots of soul searching and after sitting in the gyno office for fertility treatments and ultrasounds one too many times with extremely pregnant women surrounding me and always leaving the appointments in tears we decided to look at other ways to have a family. We made the conscious decision not to pursue IVF because it wasn't right for us.

After careful consideration and much research we decided to take the route of international adoption because that is where our hearts led us. We are happy with our decision even though at times it has been a wee bit emotional. We made peace with the fact that we will not have biological children but that we would and could still have children and a family of our own.

There are the odd occurrences when we tell people about our adoption and we get answers such as these:

1. "What an honourable thing you are doing."
2. "That child will be so lucky"
3. "You better watch out, now that you are adopting you going to get pregnant"
4. "I have friends who as soon as they decided to adopt they got pregnant and then didn't have to adopt anymore."

I have to bite my tongue lots of times. I know that people don't understand that adoption was our choice. They don't understand that we could have decided that if we can't have biological kids we won't have any kids.

It is not a decision we came to lightly one night over beer and wings. We dug deep into our hearts and asked a lot of questions, the answer that came back to us time and time again was - we want a family, period. It was not how our family was built that mattered to us - what mattered to us was that we had wee ones running around our home, filling the house with laughter, tears, spit up, poop, toys and the patter of little feet.

1. We do not feel we are being honourable by adopting a child - we feel we will be honoured by our unknown child's presence in our lives.

2. We are the lucky ones!

3. At this point we don't want to get pregnant - we are 'pregnant' - 10 months, 3 weeks, 3 days worth of pregnant and believe me my ankles are swollen - I should be on bed rest at this point.

4. I can't even answer this one - I just walk away - this is not a game to us - we didn't decide to adopt because it might be the trick that gets us pregnant. We are committed to our wee boy or girl in E and are taking precautions just in case.

Adoption is not a way to cure infertility. Adoption is a way to create a family.

Wish Me Luck!!!

Today I am off to a 5 hour boot camp - 5 HOURS!!!! My Physio/trainer talked me into this about a month ago - I really am a glutton for punishment!

Seriously, I don't know what I was thinking - I have paid for it so I can't really back out now.

We will be outside for part of it - AND IT IS RAINING TODAY!!!!

Right now I feel a bit like this....

I am hoping I will look like this afterwards....

But I think i will feel more like this....

*EDIT* - I made it thru the afternoon - we had lots of rest breaks so it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - I actually really enjoyed myself. I managed to squat 145lbs,dead lift 130lbs, tractor pull 170lbs and bench press 85lbs (not bad for my chicken arms) - little ole me lifted all that weight! YEOW! I am strong like bull ;)

Some Things that Amaze Me

1. No Cold Sores - I used to be plagued by cold sores all the time. Thru my teen years and into my early 30's I was guaranteed to get a cold sore every couple of months. I have not gotten one cold sore since we started our adoption - NOT ONE! I am not complaining - it is just weird as they usually appear because I get sick OR from STRESS! And there has been stress....oh yes...lots of STRESS! (cue me knocking on wood)

2. Is it Summer??? - It is October 2 and it is 26 degrees (Celsius) today - this is not normal temps for Saskatchewan in October - there has not been any frost on the car windshield - I wore a skirt to work today - A skirt in October - in Saskatchewan!!! I usually have been wearing socks and pants and sweaters for a while at this point. I am usually bundled up ready to brave the harsh winter I know is bound to come - this year I don't know what to think.

3. Good Finds - If I wait 4 days before purchasing an article of clothing I really liked but decided I shouldn't buy because I really didn't need another hooded top and when I go back to look at again because I can't stop thinking about it - IT WILL BE ON SALE - 50% OFF!!!! Yahoo!

4. Grey's Anatomy will not be on tonight - because of the Vice-presidential debates in the States - really - this trumps Grey's! O.k - I guess so - and I think it will be just as good a time watching these two (Palin and Biden) go head to head. Oh ya, and the Canadian debates for Prime Minister are tonight too - sooo not excited for this - really we are probably just going to get ANOTHER minority government again. I will vote don't worry just not excited about it.

5. Boy Band Resurgence - there seems to be a resurgence of old "Boy" bands as of late - this amazes me because they really aren't BOYS anymore - they are grown men!!!! Case in point New Kids on the Block have a new video out and the song is called "Boyfriend" - really - haven't some of them been or are married and have kids - should they be singing to teens about wanting to be their boyfriends (because lets face it they aren't singing to women their own age) Do you really want to be referred to as a "Boy Band" when you are 40! Don't get me wrong - I loved me some boy bands in the day (Duran Duran) but come on!

6. Madonna - is only 27 days away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. Yvan - Yvan still loves me and tells me he will love until we are old and grey. This last couple of weeks as I seem to be going thru the "10 month blues" I haven't been the easiest person to get along with - so Props to Yvan for not running far, far away as fast he can :)

8. Not much happens in 15 minutes - my blog and message board checking has resumed its feverish pace. Has someone gotten a referral? Did someone get a travel date? Did court open in E? Hmmmmm...ya - not much changes in 15 minutes so I should go back to my checking- only -3- times -a -day habit.

9. Coffee - I don't like coffee - this amazes me because pretty much everyone I know loves coffee and drinks copious amounts of coffee - but not me. I can't stand the bitter taste and I really don't understand those people who add lots of sugar and milk or cream and when I ask "why" they say "because it covers up the coffee taste" - Can you say "CAFFEINE ADDICTION" but I shouldn't point fingers because if I don't have my green tea fix every day - well, let's just say it isn't pretty :) I have had coffee twice at Saba's when they do a coffee ceremony - it is my wish to like coffee as our future child will come from the birthplace of coffee - not working so far.

10. It isn't Friday yet? - really, cause I could have sworn it was - sigh - this week seems to be taking FOREVER!!!!

Girl's Weekend Part Two

Saba's Night

Girl's weekend continued last night when I met up with Rhonda, Ricki, Shannon, Cheryl and Shauna for supper at Saba's where we dove into some excellent Ethiopian food!!!

The food- yummmmmmmm

The Gals - after demolishing the food!

Shauna, Shannon and Ricki

Rana, Rhonda and Cheryl

This weekend was much needed - I needed to laugh, cry, and yell with some people who truly understand how I am feeling. I need people to tell me that it is o.k. to be feeling the feelings I have. They don't try to gloss it over with the standard answer "don't worry so much, everything will be fine". There are days when it doesn't feel fine - days when I feel sad - days when all I want to do is cry! They understand - they have been there and they are there to support me thru those days.

Thanks to all the girls who I had the pleasure of spending the weekend with - there are many more I have yet to meet - Hazel, Cinnamon, Ramona, Carolyn, Shelley, Kristen, Sebrina, Danielle, Jody, Tracy, Sheri, Julie, and many others...without the knowledge that you are all standing behind me in this - well - it would be a lot harder.

Cheers to you all!

Girls Weekend Part 1

Dinner out

Saturday night I had the immense pleasure of spending the evening with Sandi, Rhonda and Dianne. Dianne drove in from Calgary for the weekend. I hadn't met her yet and she is delightful - I can't wait hang out with her again sometime :)

We started the night by going for supper at Keo's for excellent Thai food - it is almost as good as Thailand -almost.


















1 Ginger Beef, 1 Chicken Cashew Nut and 2 Phad Thai later - we were stuffed and ready for the next phase of the evening!


Slumber Party


Dessert is served - HELLO!!!! Cheesecake and Brownies - DEEEEELISH!!

Getting ready for dessert and photo ops

Sandi had us all intently listening to something - not sure what might have been this.

The gals in their jammies!



We decided we needed a photo to sum up how we are all feeling during our adoption process thus far!



I would say we all showed our emotions pretty well.

Thanks so much girlies - the evening was full of awesome Phad Thai, dessert, conversation, venting and super cool gal pals!!

We MUST do this again

Stay tuned for Part Two of Girls Weekend! Ya, it has two parts ;)