Thursday, November 13, 2008
Today marks one year since our dossier flew off to Ethiopia via Fed Ex.
I thought I would be a big, sobby, mess today but I'm not. Hmmmmmm....this is good.
Our mini-break out to the west coast definitely helped. We both needed the time to relax and unwind from the daily stresses of life.
What really helped was this: I am part of a clothing club. 10 girls get together once a month and we throw $25 into a pot. We draw a name and that girl wins the pot of money for the month. She then gets to spend her $250 anyway she wants. Anyways, we met last month on a Monday. I had not been in a good frame of mind for a while. I was sad, angry, disillusioned, tired - you name it! I had the 10 and 11 month blues bad.
I wasn't going to go to this gathering. But I thought I to myself - "Self, you need to go out, you need to be around people, you need to stop moping around the house." So, I got myself ready, showered, did my hair, put my make-up on trying to cover the deep, dark circles that had taken up residence under my eyes. I stepped back from the mirror and I thought to myself - "Self, you look pretty good, as good as one can for someone who is feeling like she has been hit by a mack truck of emotions." "You will hold your head high, no one will know you are feeling so low, you will have fun."
I headed down to the restaurant we were meeting at and sat down at the table. This night only 4 of the 10 girls could make it. We ordered drinks, some ordered food and we all chatted for awhile.
All of a sudden one the girls (who I had met thru this club and only 2 or 3 times) looked right at me and said "ARE YOU ALRIGHT? YOU LOOK VERY STRESSED!!!" And she said it just like that - fairly loud and with great emphasis! Now, it could have been my sensitive self hearing it as though it had been been broadcast on a bullhorn to the whole restaurant. I am sure she said it in her indoor voice but that is not what I heard and the worst part was she had said what I was feeling. I was feeling stressed, tired, and like I had aged a hundred years in the last few months. Only I thought I was doing a good job of hiding it - obviously not!
I deflated faster than a balloon that has been poked by a pin. I wanted to cry, crawl under the table, or run out of the restaurant as fast I could. The other girls all turned and looked at me with the look, you know the look! The look that says "aaaaaw, are you o.k.?" followed by pity nods. I explained in a condensed version why I was feeling this way. It has to be condensed for those not on the adoption roller coaster because if you get too detailed their eyes start to glaze over. They all commiserated with me and then we moved onto the next topic.
I tried to be engaged, funny, witty, and to act like there was nothing I wanted more than to be right where I was. Truth be told - I wanted to go home and sit on our couch and cry. At that exact moment - when a veritable stranger can tell you are falling apart - well, at that exact moment you have lost the art of the "happy face" and it is time to make some changes!!!
I got lost in the fear - it consumed me. I let it affect every ounce of my being - I started to believe that I was victim. I got lost in the "What if?" worst case scenarios. I forgot about the "Law of Attraction" - where what you put out into the universe is what you attract back. I was putting out fear and I was getting it back ten fold. I believed that I could control every aspect of my life and what happened was the fear started to control me. I forgot to live in the present.
I have decided I don't want to feel like I have these past few months. I want to be happy and fun to be around again. I want to laugh and enjoy life . I don't want to get consumed with the "What if?" again. Will this be easy? HECK NO!!! Will I get caught up in my own self-pity again - probably! Will I let it get as far as it did before - no way! It is way harder being sad than it is being happy.
I don't want to look and feel like this anymore:
I'd rather look like this:
So, here is to being one year closer to our dream of a family!
And me being able to keep this calm and peaceful state of mind. Oh PLEASE let me keep this calm, peaceful state of mind!! I will be calm. I will be peaceful. I will be calm. I will be peaceful. My new mantra!