Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Pity Party

So, last week I threw myself a 2 day - o.k. - a 3 day long pity party! And since it was MY pity party I decided I could cry if I wanted too! Which I did - great, big, fat, wet crocodile tears. (Yvan was not happy to be a part of this party let me tell you!)

Let me explain myself here - last week our adoption community saw some long-time-coming referrals (YAAAAAAAAA Rhonda). With the knowledge that referrals are soon going to be a reality, comes the excitement.

Excitement that builds itself over a span of - hmmmmm...lets say about a week or so. There is a frenzy that starts at the tips of your toes and builds itself up to the top of your head - it's as if you are humming with electricity (seriously I could power a small town with my excitement). Even though you know it won't be your turn for the much anticipated phone call there is always that little nagging voice in the back of your head saying "maybe it WILL be your turn" and while you try to ignore that wee little voice it soon overpowers you and you start to believe that your turn will come NOW.

So, you check blogs incessantly, you stay logged into the message board for hours on end hitting the refresh button (right Ricki) over and over again hoping a new thread will pop up announcing the arrival of a referral. You tell yourself you will walk away from the computer and won't check it anymore and before you know it you are back sitting at the computer going thru the whole process again.

Every time the phone rings you jump so high you could win an Olympic Gold medal for high jump from a seated position. Then it happens, families start to post of their joyous news - they have gotten "THE CALL" and are parents. You are excited, exhilarated, happy, thrilled and relieved because it happens, it really does happen. You do a little happy dance! You wait for the phone to ring because maybe, just maybe you will get a call too. It doesn't ring.

Of course it doesn't, it is not your turn yet. Reality sinks in. Panic takes the place of excitement. Has our agency forgotten about us? Is something wrong with our file? Has our dossier gotten lost? Fallen behind a desk? Accidentally been filed in the wrong spot?

Sadness starts to creep in - the emotions of the week take over and before you know it you are sobbing. Sobbing like you have never sobbed before - sobbing the big, fat, wet crocodile tears I mentioned earlier.

You turn to your husband and between sobs ask "When will it be OUR turn?". Hugging you tightly he says, "When the time is right, sweetie, when the time is right." You know he is right but still it hurts. Hurts like no pain you have ever experienced.

And then the pity party festivities commence. You feel as though you CAN NOT continue on with the adoption for one more day. You are convinced it will never happen. You will never be a mother, you will never have children running around your home. You feel destitute, lost, and as though every single breath is a struggle. You start to consider how now would be a good time to book a ticket to the south pole to live among the penguins. Seriously, you consider it.

You mope - around the office, your house, your friends, family and co-workers - feeling sorry for yourself! You cry at the most inconvenient times, you sob in your breakfast, lunch and dinner. There could be no greater sorrow in the world then the one you are feeling at this exact moment.

Then the love starts to come to you - friends send flowers :) emails of support :) and call to see if you are o.k. (even when they are celebrating the best time in their life they remember how they felt when in your spot). Your husband tells you over and over again how much he loves you and how you will be the best momma in the whole world.

Ever-so-slowly the nagging voice in your head starts to disappear and a new one takes it place calmly telling you that you can do it, you can make it, it WILL happen. You start to take deep breaths - in with the good, out with the bad - you can make it thru this, you are strong enough, good things do happen. You remind yourself that life is really pretty good and to stop being so selfish.

You know this won't be the last time you feel this way - there is still a bumpy road ahead, more pity parties to be had. You will still have days of doubt and sadness. The only thing that will really cure this ailment is the call telling you there is a baby for you.

So, I had my pity party - I cried my great, big, fat, wet crocodile tears and I feel better for it. I can't keep all that emotion inside of me - I need to release it. Yvan held me tight and let me cry and then told me it was time move on.

I am strong, I am weak, I am human.

23 comments:

Dianne said...

Awe, Rana, it's the worst isn't it? The highs and lows just can't be compared to anything else we'll face in life. I'm still facing tears at inconvenient times.

Sending you my biggest hugs. And if you ever need some guests to keep you company at future parties, remember all the friends you have taking this journey with you. We're here for you!

Your time WILL come. Even on days when it doesn't feel like it. You have so much love to give, I just know you were meant to be a mom. I can't wait to celebrate with you!

Ramona said...

Rana,
I hate how our emotions just keep going up and down. It's interesting how our excitement for our friends can trigger the deepest sadness for ourselves... I can't wait until it's your turn (ok, and my turn!) to post your news. We've gotta be getting closer... Interesting how we're turning into "the old waiters" on the forums and blogs now... That means that since everyone else is getting referrals and leaving us, we will do that yet too. It's ok to be honest and let those big ugly cry tears out. It helps. But here's a {{hug}} as you keep going, knowing that each day that passes does bring you closer to being a mommy...
Ramona

Anonymous said...

Rana,

You've expressed so well what many of us have felt along the way. Our Ethiopian son is home with us now, but I can SO relate to your feelings. I'm not adventurous enough to have contemplated moving to either the North or South Pole!, but there were many days I wanted to just crawl under the covers and stay there, to surface only if / when The Call came.

Hope you don't need too many more pity parties before you the best news ever finally reaches you.

Karen T.

shutterbug said...

Sometimes you just gotta cry it alllll out. Im glad you have someone there to hold you tight! I think about you all the time Rana!

Rhonda and Kristin said...

My dear Rana,

I remember my pit parties like they were yesterday...well it was last weekend, so I still remember well. The referral highs are so great for celebrating others good news and then crash, ekk, it's inevitable.

I wish we didn't need pity parties, but you can have a support party anyday you want. I'm always hear to chat, and I know how tough it is to hear good news from others, and you're happy for them but then stupid reality sets in. Boo to reality....

It does happen, it does, it does...remember how insane I was just a week ago....yep, than it all falls into place. Sigh, it does!

Hugs and more hugs!
Rhonda

Rhonda and Kristin said...

Not my pit parties (but I do remember those from high school) I meant pity parties...

Julie said...

Uhm, how did you get a video camera set up in my house without my knowing? Amazing.

Kristen and Dave said...

Rana I'm sending positive vibes, prayers and good wishes your way. Your referral WILL come very soon. Hang in there - I'm thinking about you!

Kristen:)

Gaunt Family said...

Rana I just want to offer you a *hug*. There is nothing like this experience. If only we could go to one of Rhonda's pit parties. Maybe that would make us feel better temporarily. LOL Sounds like you have a great husband. When you get your call I am going to jump right along with you.

Stephanie said...

I don't know what else to say that everyone else hasn't said already! Thinking of you and sending you a big hug!! Can't wait until it's your turn!

Steph :-)

Shannon and Dan said...

Big {{{HUGS}}} Rana. The waiting is definitely not easy. All we can do is take it one day at a time. Everyday is one step closer. Some days are easier than others.

If you are lucky, maybe you can have a "pit" party at the Madonna concert!

CinnamonOpus said...

Aw honey, we've been there. We know how hard it is and how much it sucks. And we know sometimes you just GOTTA.

It's like you're a sponge, and the emotions from the adoption process is somebody pouring water. The sponge will hold so much, but then eventually it's going to start leaking out the sides, right? Well, you're the same. You can hold only so much emotions -- hope, excitement, worry, whatever -- before some of it is going to leak out.

We've all been there.

And we're all going to be there (well, here, virtually) when your time DOES come. And we'll celebrate with you. And the tears that day will be tears of joy.

And Yvan is right, it will happen when the time is right, but when it does, you WILL be the best momma in the whole wide world to your child.

Hugs from me and BDH and Stinkerbelle.

haze said...

Pity party/pit party - you are (we are) allowed both!!

Unfortunately, it's not going to get any easier for us, so let it all out when you need to. You are lucky to have such a wonderful husband to hold on to during the wait. It can't be easy for him either, of course.

Hugs from Haze

Sherri said...

Oh Rana, I know this post is your lamenting but really the way you express it all is so beautiful! This process is very real and very alive and full of so many emotions. People will really find inspiration from your blog as they journey the process of adoption as well. Sounds like you have a wonderfully supportive husband and believe me, we are all right behind... hemming you in!
Sherri

Kim said...

Thanks so much for being honest with us. I have had my fair share of pity parties and we haven't been waiting anywhere near as long as you. I am glad to hear I am not alone in the emotional roller coaster and yet sad to hear others are going through it too.
Blessings
Kim

D Dae said...

Take care of yourself, these emotional rides are torture, but there is a reason for it. Trust in that, trust that you are going through this to give you the tools you will need to be the amazing mom you are GOING TO BE!!!

Sending cyber hugs your way!
Shelley

Danielle and Nick said...

Such a rotten feeling Rana. I'm so sorry that you've even had to reach this point. I've always said though, the longest waits bring the sweetest rewards. And its so true. When you finally DO get that referral, you'll know what I mean. You'll suddenly feel like you could wait a million years for that child/children and they will be absolutely perfect.

Keep hangin' on girl! You need to be a strong Mama for your kids! Plus, think of all of the time that's already behind you! That call has to be right around the corner!!!

--Danielle

The Warren Family said...

You have done an amazing job Rana at explaining what the waiting feels like, a very honest post!
I haven't been waiting as long as some of you, but I must admit I have also refreshed the yahoo group screen a bagillion times and had a few good cries.
It is nice knowing that we are all here to support each other, that this online group knows what it feels like, and that we are here to help each other get through the tough times! Hang in there, your hubby said it best 'it will happen when the time is right'.

Shannon (-:

Ricki said...

Oh my dear, how my heart breaks for you. I wish I could take some of the pain away.
Have a pity party and let it last as long as you need to!
Luv Ya!
Ricki

Natalie and Chris said...

Rana, I truly believe pity parties are what makes us stronger in this process and keep us going. I'm sending cyber hugs your way.

Sandra Knight said...

"even when they are celebrating the best time in their life they remember how they felt when in your spot" no we will never forget how it feels, we are struggling along with you. Just try to enjoy your year of "lasts"- last Thanksgiving w/oKids, last Xmas w/o Kids, last bday etc. The next one will shine in comparison!! The year of firsts will fly just as much as this one seems to drag. stay strong, sk

Rachella said...

for one of your friends who is not going through this and doesn't understand... I SURE DO NOW!!

i love reading your blogs you have such a great way of expressing yourself. just real life no additives.

i just want to reach through this computer and give you a big hug! but i can wait... 6 more sleeps!

see you soon sweetie!

and thanks for sharing this.

~Rach

Megan said...

The waiting is torture. It truly is. I don't know a thing about the process in Ethiopia, but I remember those days waiting for my Guatemalan Princess. It is good that you have this support because most people outside of the Adoption world just don't get it, even if they want to. They will never understand the day in day out pain of just waiting.

However, the first time your baby calls you Momma, will make EVERY single day worth it. I can promise you that. Until that day, remember to breathe, and cry as needed!