Or is that uncomfortably numb? I guess feeling numb shouldn't feel comfortable but it is better than feeling overwhelmed with grief...which happens -oh boy does it happen.
I feel as though I am walking around with a giant force field over me. I don't feel particularily happy and don't feel exhaustingly sad. I laugh at times, I cry at times but I feel impartial to all of it.
It is as though I am watching my life as if it were a movie...I watch the characters and I think to myself "Wow, what a difficult time they are going thru - I should give them a hug". "Maybe I could fix it and make it all better for them." Then reality hits and I realize -this is MY life. What the...how did we get here?!
What comes to mind is the song "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd
"Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?
Come on, Come on, Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down.
I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I'll need some information first.
Just the basic facts.
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I had a FEVER My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
I have become comfortably numb.
O.K.Just a little pin prick.
There'll be no more aaaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working, good.
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
but I have become comfortably numb."
I wished I was feeling more like this
Sigh - Don't you just love Ben Harper!
13 comments:
That exactly explains how I feel... thanks for posting that. You're right... not overly sad, but not happy either. Just going through the motions. When I go home at lunch I'm going to look for that pink floyd song...
Numb is right...or just completely whacked out with emotion. How pleasant. Sigh is right.
I really remember the zombie numb phase. You sort of walk around in a fog.... Remember, I think we should all write books and have a magazine when this is all said and done!!
That numb place is so hard. It feels like the outside world is muffled somehow. I hope you can jump out of it soon with news of your referral. Sending big e-hugs to you!!!
Oh Rana - I know how you feel and it sucks!! Hang in there!
Kristen :)
You have captured the essence of this process perfectly! I know exactly what you mean by feeling like you're watching some life happen... numb. While I would never wish the lows in this emotional roller coaster on anyone, it is sure comforting to know that I'm not alone (nor am I losing my mind!). Sending positive energy your way. A
This is what I keep telling people- I think I'm numb to the emotions... Let's hope these stages end soon
Ramona
I think I'm numb and using adoption swears...
Rana, numbness sucks. I hope you feel something better soon.
p.s. 1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a bidding war. See you at http://bagsforzaza.blogspot.com/
Jody.
I totally remember feeling that way Rana. It sucks so bad to be in it. Numb is a perfect way to describe it. That song sure brought back lots of memories for me. I LOVE the Ben Harper song.
I hope you know how much I admire your realness and honesty. You are who you are and I really respect that. You will regain feeling again Rana. Just lay back and ride out the numbness until a little prickle of feeling comes back.
love Natasha
I hear you! I slipped back into grief/anger/sadness this week, but mostly lately I have been numb.
I hope you are awakened from you numb state soon. We all know the cure, I just wish we could give it to you. Just know we are all supporting you.
Describing your self as numb really puts into words how I've been feeling, too. I've put on a happy, cheery face for so long now that sometimes I don't think I'm allowing myself to really FEEL everything. I think I've put up a wall of protection - protecting myself until my baby is finally in my arms for real, and no one can take her away from me.
That Ben Harper song is beautiful and the video amazing. Thanks!!
I hope 2009 brings so much joy to you!
I remember that phase too. It was almost as though you had imagined all this adoption stuff, like some dream you had that is fading as you wake up. (Although I HATEHATEHATE Pink Floyd so I am avoiding the song for fear of getting an earworm stuck in my head all day!)
We are so hopeful you will hear some good news son, to help lift this fog!
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