I have been a bad blogger lately. It has been much easier to post videos etc. than to actually write about how I am feeling.
On top of that I have been busy, very busy, trying to stay busy. You see, staying busy helps to keep my mind off of other things. I haven't had to try too hard to stay busy because there has been lots going on.
It started with running the Sask Marathon.
Then my cousin from Victoria stayed with us for a week.
Friday night we got together with some adoptive friends for a great Ethiopian meal.
My sister-in-law is getting married this summer and I am in the wedding party. Last weekend we had the Colonsay shower (This is the small town her fiancee is from and the town throws a shower for each of the brides-to-be.) This past Saturday night I hosted a showerette (as I call it) for her at my house.
Then there is the yard work! Or what would be yard work if the weather would ever cooperate.
Between all of our social activities we have work. This is our busiest time of the year for our business which means longer hours (for Yvan for sure) and some weekends.
Not to mention I have yoga twice a week right now and this week I am starting another 10K clinic so that I can train to finally break that one hour mark!!!!
So, it isn't hard trying to stay busy....but stay busy I must. It is when I have down time that I find my mind wandering...I find my emotions starting to get the better of me. I actually managed to stay away from the computer all day on Sunday...didn't check one email, one blog or one message board. It felt really good to be disconnected.
I think I have also wanted to stay away from my blog because my ticker at the top seems to be mocking me. Our egg baby is half way thru his/her second round on the ticker tape.
It. Is. Depressing. O.k. not depressing.....Sad!
I heard Gloria Steinem say once "Depression is when nothing matters. Sadness is when everything matters."
I am not depressed...I am sad. Everything matters right now. It matters that the possibility remains that we might not be parents. Because until we get that call, pass that court date, get on a plane, and have wee one in our arms....the possiblity remains.
I am sad because at this moment it feels like this will never happen and that matters. At almost 19 months, I am losing steam...it is hard to be excited or thrilled or happy about something I have started to believe may never happen and that matters. I am tired of waiting. Being a parent matters to us!!
In the back of mind...I know logically we will get a referral, I have seen all our friends before us get their referrals...but the heart...well the heart can play funny tricks on you. The heart sometimes yearns for something so much it can throw everything else into disarray...the heart wants what the heart wants!
Someone said to Yvan and I last week that we should get some projects going to keep our mind off of things like plan a trip (ummmm...ya done that) or train to run a marathon (ooooooh, ya, done that too o.k it was only 10k and a half marathon but still!) and Yvan and I looked at each other and sighed.
I know we were both thinking "Seriously? Did you just say that?"
I remember when we were trying to get pregnant people would say "You just need to relax." or "Don't think about it so much!" We would think...hmmm...o.k....how do we not think about this when every month you are plotting when the best time for "optimum fertilization" will occur. Or how every month you are reminded by Aunt Flo "Hey, you! You aren't pregnant!'
Well, 19 months is kind of like that....only worse....every day I know we both hope today will be the day. Every day we hope the phone will ring and change our lives forever. The beginning of every week brings a renewed feeling that this will be the week! The end of every week brings the realization that we have to start another week waiting.
I know this post is morose...I try to be all shiny and happy! I listen when people tell me about the joy the referral phone call brings. And I believe them, I really do....and yet that phone call, that joy still eludes us.
There are days when I am tired of hearing myself moan about our wait...I know you all must be tired too. We have lots to be thankful for and you should know, we know this...we don't take things for granted...we really don't.
We are just ready! Ready to stop being busy trying to stay busy.
21 comments:
You don't need to be all shiny and happy. You have had a tough run of it and you deserve to have your down days. We all understand.
Busy is good. I stayed busy. Also, unlike your agency, ours never let us know when batches of referrals were coming in or what they were working on, so it was easy to not fixate on what else was happening for everyone else -- it was easier to forget and put the passing time out of my mind. We just never knew if or when, and in retrospect I think ignorance was bliss.
Oh honey. I have nothing to say that hasn't been said before. Hang in there, and just stay busy. And we're thinking of you.
You can be as morose as you want, Rana - you know we're all here for you. A bright spot, I hope, is that you will hopefully be able to 'catch up' with the rest of us who are going to be hit with the court closure - there's still hope of us travelling together :-)
Couldn't have said it better myself. That post felt like I was reading my own story. You are great with words. I wish, wish, wish for you to get THE call, SOON!
Heidi
Congrats on staying away from the computer for a whole day....that is impressive!! :-)
I have been doing the same as you....it does help to stay busy!
If I come into some cash I will definitely be on a plane to come and visit you!!
Steph :-)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts... we think of you all the time....
Sherri
Solidarity with the waiters!
We're thinking about you.
I never come to your blog expecting you to be happy until that referral comes... and I know it will. (I know, I know.. empty words to you)
Kind of like people telling me my girls will come home (I'll believe it when I see them!)
Busy is good... we'll get together and add more to the busy!:)
My heart aches for you.
I think of you every day and you are be as sad and angry as you want to be. You have every right- who ever thought this journey would be this long? All I can say as well is keep up the business- it does not take away the sadness but it does help pass the time.
Carolyn
Rana, I'm tired of you being busy and sad. And you are so right, until that call comes, it doesn't matter how many times you told what it might be like, you are still waiting. And at 19 months, it's hard to hope and be positive. It's beyond hard. I'm also thinking of you and praying for you guys.
Ramona
Busy is better than the opposite of busy. I think of you every day and hope sooooooo hard that baby is ready for you! Don't these people know I'm ready to be a honorary auntie. Geesh!
Thinking of you, Rana. We waited a very long time for Gabrielle and although I don't know what it is like to wait for a referral, I know the agony of waiting to be a parent....and it just plain ole sucks. The not knowing and not believing and worrying what if it never happens....it is so torturous and unfair and painful. We will all stay up for you until you have your reason to be up! Hugs!
hmm, yes, you have pretty much checked everything off the "things to do while you wait" list haven't you. Let's see... how about teaching yourself to paint high quality Renoir forgeries... with your feet.
What? It would take a long time, and you could make some serious coin if you got good enough. Because you are going to need to keep that baby WHO WILL ARRIVE in shoes. And pants. At least, that's where about half *my* paycheck seems to go.
Also, the line about Aunt Flo made me snort my diet coke. It's one up from "SO, STILL SINGLE HUH???"
I can't imagine how sad you feel. You have every right to say and feel whatever the heck you want at this point!
We're thinking of you,
Mary and Brendan
What Ramona said.
I think about you guys every five minutes. We are here with you Rana. You will get to the otherside.
Just wanted to say you are allowed to feel and say what ever you want. Emotions and Nerves and everything is running into overdrive.
I agree with you the referral will be the most amazing day, but this time in between is sucking the breath right out of a person.
Giving you some CPR to get through yet another week.
Carey
Thinking of you. Hoping and praying for you. Nothing else to say....
Natasha
I think of you everyday Rana and pray you will get your referral soon. I can't wait to read about your good news. You be as sad, morose, cranky and angry as you need to be - you have every right. Soon those feelings will be replaced by joy, sheer and utter joy!! Very soon Rana, very soon.
Big hugs to you both. I've gone through every thing you have described so don't be too hard on yourselves. It is perfectly natural! It is such a long time to wait but you have to hold on that it WILL happen. Busy is good, it does help the time go by.
Thinking of you, so sorry you are still in this crazy wait! I can't wait for the day to hear your wonderful news.
L
Just read the quote about depression v sadness and that really resonates! I think that, in circumstances like this, it would be almost unreasonable not to be sad. But I'm so sorry for your sadness, and I hope it ends really soon.
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