Monday, June 22, 2009

Leave Your Control At The Door Please!

"Adoption is not for the feint of heart!"

I have heard this 1000 times and I have probably said it myself to other people 1000 times.

It. Is. True.

Especially as we are into our 20th month of waiting it seems to be ringing even truer.

I wish someone had said to us when we started " Leave your control at the door please!" because than we would have managed our expectations a bit better.

Yvan and I are both used to being "in control" and making our life happen they way we would like it...I don't mean this in a selfish way...we just both have a clear idea of what we want for our life together and we have set a plan/goal in place to make this happen.

When we decide we want to do something, we set the wheels in motion to get it done. Like travelling, or business or our infertility and consequent decision to adopt.

We are both "Make-your-life-want-you-it-to-be" kinda people.

Well, that planning has been thrown for a loop! A huge loopyty-lou of a loop!

We are feeling helpless....I know of no other time in my life when I have felt so completely and utterly like there is nothing I can do to make our situation what we want it to be.

As you all know we are STILL waiting for a referral....and what do you say about this that hasn't already been said.....

It sounds as though we haven't even been matched with a child yet!!!! (please note this is me reading into emails etc. and don't have this as a confirmed fact...I am just guessing and oh-whoa-is me-ing!) Which is frustrating beyond belief and after the frustration leaves..sadness takes hold and then the tears come...I am definitely ready to be crying tears of joy not tears of angst.

Now add to the fact that we our Provincial Approval expiration is looming over our heads. In just over 2 months (Sept.11) our approval will expire.

I have been in touch with the proper authorities...I think...but can't seem to get an answer. Our Independent Practitioner told us we would have to contact our Social Worker, and our Social Worker told us to call our Independent Practitioner. ARRRRGHHH!!!

Our Provincial Approval has nothing to do with our Adoption Agency so they can't answer our questions.

Our SW told us she wasn't sure how this would need to get updated and said she would get back to us...that was 3 weeks ago and we still haven't heard from her. ARRRRGGGHHHH!

I am leery to call/email her because I know how busy she is and I don't what to come across as a whack-a-do but honestly!!!!

PEOPLE.....can someone throw us a frickin' bone here!!!!

I can't sit idly by watching the days tick by knowing our approval could and might expire before we get a referral but no one will tell us what we should do to rectify the situation! If they would tell us we would do it!!

So, we sit control-less over one of the most important aspects of our life...maybe the 20 months of waiting is getting to me....maybe I am panicking for nothing...but yup....our control was definitely left at the door when started this journey...we are just starting to realize how much.

What would you do? Would you keep emailing your SW - would you contact someone higher up?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.


Julie said...

Yes, keep calling. The updating takes even more time, and again you will be waiting on other (paperwork renewal) stuff that you can't control. We are still updating our stuff. We needed new physicals, financial info, social worker interviews the works! So annoying. I would be the squeaky wheel so that when you do get your referral (please for the love of PETE SOON!) You will have all of your ducks in a row.

Rana I think about you every day. I want you to be happy. RIGHT NOW!

D Dae said...

Yes keep calling. There are so few areas in this process you have some say or control, the least you can do is pester people until they do what they have promised!!!!! ARGH! I am so frustrated for you.

CinnamonOpus said...

I agree with Julie. Call them. CALL. THEM. Call any and all "them"s that you can think of. Call them on a regular basis. Ask them any and all questions you have. And then call them and ask MORE. And then follow up those calls with "just to confirm, here's what we talked about" emails. Keep your file on the front burner with everyone. Keep yourself busy getting yourself prepared. Keep things moving.

Squeaky wheel? Meet grease.

Because honestly? 1) You have waited long enough, and 2) you're paying them for a service, so they can darn well provide you with service. Busy or not, it is their JOB.

GAH!!! I just want to EXPLODE with the bureaucracy and the waiting and the not seeing referrals, already!

I can't imagine how you're feeling. But we're thinking all our best positive thoughts (when we're not feeling REALLY PEEVISH AT THE BUREAUCRATS) for you.

Claudia said...


Sometimes, I think it helps if they are SO SICK OF YOU that they just do what you want.

So: CALL! CALL! CALL! (are you sick of it yet? Do you want to call, just to shut me up? See what I mean?)

Darrell and Jess said...

keep calling!! It's all we can do in this crazy process! :) Or send a bunch of dumb forwards with a little 'extra' message!! haha

lyndsey&kevin said...

I would call, call, call, that is what you are paying them for!! That is VERY frustrating, ALL of it. I wish you luck, and hope like hell it doesn't come to the point of actually expiring.

Carolyn said...

From one control freak to another- I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! I would keep calling- I do not think that means you are a pain it just means that you are persistent!


Tammy said...

Wack-a-do, shmack-a-do...CALL! For our dometic adoption I have never left my local agency alone, they are sick of me. I have always had to keep on top of them for various, call, call. Keep calling your social worker...have you called the province yet? I've done that before to get the answers I want even though I get my hands slapped by my local agency. I do not care. Good luck!

Come on referral! Rana needs her baby! Sheesh!

Gabrielle said...

YES, Call, call and call again until someone give you an answer. Persistency and consistency are good qualities in a parent, so I can't see anyone would fault you for that. I thought of my infertility road to Gabrielle when reading your post...I truly think that somehow the people dealt the infertility hand are those that can best handle it, but those people are also often used to setting out to get what they want. I used to have a ceramic fortune cookie and the fortune said "Stop talking about it and just do it". That's definitely what I am about, but unfortunately, in family building, I couldn't do it and definitely felt helpless and hopeless at times. It WILL get better. When? I wish I could give you that answer and your pain with the process would diminish.

Hang in there, Rana (and Yvan). Hang in there!

dacops said...

Rana, I hear you.

I am sick of not being able to plan. Not knowing if our file has been accepted. Our daughter crying because there are no pictures.
Interested people asking us when and looking at us like we have are out of our mind waiting so long! (we started over two years ago).
I am not even interested in reading books about adoption because I think it will just bring bad luck!

I thought being pregnant sucked! I guess we have no choice but to wait and hope.

I have my fingers crossed for you!

Kendra said...


I agree with the rest, keep calling. People have a funny way of finding answers when they are tired of hearing from you. More delays will just make you crazy and you have had enough waiting already. I cant wait for the day I see referral news on this site!


Anonymous said...

I agree with everyone else Rana. Keep calling. You have the right to throw all worries about her bothering anyone and pick up the phone! You have earned it!
I too think of you everyday and can't wait to hear you say "I got a referral!"

Rhonda, Kristin, Eden said...

I've got to say it too...


PERIOD. RIDE THEM. Ok, wait, that is starting to sound kind of dirty now and I didn't want it to sound that way....


Tracey said...

Pick up the phone Rana..she might be busy but let her be busy working for you! At this point I would be phoning once a week. Remind yourself that you are totally permitted to call them when YOU want. I was the exact same way but in our situation (2yrs)I finally realized I could phone without feeling guilty about being a pest. Most of the time I would get a tid bit of news, exciting to me while the sw didn't think it was important enough to share!
Gigantic hugs,

haze said...

I'm in agreement with everyone here - call her and follow up with an email whether you reach her or not. If you have her boss's info (or anyone else at the office), cc that person on the email, too.

Rana, I haven't even met you yet, but I know you are a strong woman. There are really no words I can say that I haven't said before. I can't wait for you to get The Call that will wash away the agony of the wait. I'm wishing good news for you every day.

Brendan and Mary said...

I'm assuming you've called by now, crazy woman! She's supposed to be busy working for you so don't feel guilty at all!

Ramona said...

Ok, so I'm with the others. If you don't call, they will stay busy with other stuff. Get them busy on YOUR stuff! We had to update once and were in the midst of updating our second time (so I had to pay for papers about the new medicals... wish I'd held off a month...)and it takes some time and the last thing you need is to get matched and then wait on the province for approval until they can get you the info... Let us know how it goes!
There's nothing else to say about this. You have so many of us waiting with you...

Kirsten said...

I would say definately be persistent in making phone calls etc. In my job I have to make a lot of phone calls to get things moving along. I also recieve alot of phone calls for the same issues and in the end, it is always the most persistant (polite) person that gets me to do their item first. That being said it is also important to remember that you must make the person you need the action from feel like the "hero" not the "villain".


Megan said...

Call and call again. We had to get our I600 updated (we also expired before Lily came home). I was a nervous mess until it was cleared up. I know what you mean about control. I remember our SW telling us it is a process and how we just brushed that off. She even told us to go on a vacation, I remember that it would never take that long! Ohhh how wrong! I check on you guys everyday I can't wait to read YOUR happy news!! :-)

Anonymous said...

Hey Rana,

I also would totally call, when we had long delays while in our process and no one would give me the answers I needed, I contacted higher people and stayed on them and it did pay-off, you have more than earned your right to have someone listen and tell you exactly what to do at this point! Thinking and praying for you guys everyday! Hang in there!
Shannon Simms

lyndsey&kevin said...

Hey that is 'Tres Cool'. Let me know what you think once you have watched season 1. It is one of those shows that makes you laugh out LOUD. I crack up everytime I watch it!! ENJOY!!

PS yes 15= suck monkey nuts!!