I have sat down at the computer to write a post a few times but my fingers just wouldn't type. It is probably because they refuse to spew out the melancholy drivel that is running thru my brain lately.
I have always tried to keep my blog a positive one - a diary of sorts of our journey to become a family. Lately, my positivity is waning...we are still waiting for a document to be finalized. We are told it is being translated.
We had initially been told court application had been made and with that we had an expectation in our mind a date would follow soon after. We have now been told they were incorrect and court application won't be made until the document is finalized. They have no idea how long this will take or when they will be able to apply for court. So, we have had to spend the last week wrapping our heads around that.
It has been difficult to say the least.
However, I want to make it very clear we completely understand this isn't really about us.
It's about a wee baby boy!
Our baby boy!
He doesn't know we are coming. He has no clue how our love is growing more and more each day for him. He doesn't understand how we miss him and long to hold him. He has no comprehension that we wake up every day hoping he is doing well, being cuddled and loved.
We understand the sadness and pain we are feeling is nothing compared to what our little man has, is, and will experience in his young life.
He is trying to figure out what happened in his world that took away a mother he knew and loved and brought stranger after stranger into his life in the form of police officers, orphanage workers, and foster home caregivers.
He will have had 3 different sets of caregivers since leaving the safety and comfort of his mother's arms. We will be the 5th people to care for him...that is a lot of people and he is not going to be a happy little dude. I can't imagine having gone thru 5 different sets of people I thought were going to be the ones to love me forever...can you? All in the first year or so of life...
He will have grief - incomprehensible grief.
We will need to be strong for him. He will need us to let him grieve for all he has lost and we will need to let him know it is o.k. to be sad. Trust will need to be built and it won't be easy. He will be uncertain and extremely scared. It will take a long time but we are in it for the long haul...however long he needs.
This is about him.
As much as I lament about how sad we are...how hard this is for us...we know we have it easy. We have each other...we have our family and friends who we have known for years and years.
Our son hasn't had this stability or support system.
This is about him, his needs and what we can do to start the healing process for him.
So, when I write about how we are feeling ( and I will continue to do so) let it be understood it is because we want our son...our boy...to be in the last and final set of arms to be taking care of him forever.