Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Fall Blues

Fall has descended or rather, I should say, left the building altogether.

It tried but winter was in a hurry and decided to come early. Early enough that we didn't even get to enjoy the beauty of fall as the leaves turn from green to golden hues and warm, red tones.

I love fall! It is my favourite time of year - going for long walks in the neighbourhood with Yvan and the dogs. Watching the darkness creep up and the light from the homes on our street glowing as the day gives way to the night.

We haven't been able to take our dogs for walks in the evening because it is too cold for their little Chihuahua feet and really, it is too cold for me too even though this is just the beginning of winter.

I was talking to a friend today and we were commiserating with one another about how long this winter will be if we are already into the cold, snowy weather and it is only the middle of October. This is only made worse by the fact we had probably one of the coldest and rainiest summers on record.

At least even in the summer you can get out, see friends, barbecue and keep busy.

Here where we live, once winter hits it is much harder to get out, socialize, and just plain keep yourself busy.

Winter gives you the luxury (take note of the sarcasm here please) of staying inside and cuddling under a blanket watching people bundled up against the cold as they rush past our house to some unknown destination.

Where are they going anyways when they could just stay inside?

It is the time of year when people are done with summer holidays and back to work and life as they know it. You see people less because honestly, here where we live, you just don't want to go outside if you don't have to.

Because of the sudden onslaught from winter and the missed opportunity to enjoy fall, I find myself feeling particularly sad.

I was hoping winter would come later so I could keep my mind off the wait for a court date but Mother Nature is not cooperating very well and let's be honest - neither are the courts in Ethiopia which just opened Monday instead of a week earlier.

I foolishly believed this part of the wait would be easy. I thought the wait to referral was so emotionally draining it really couldn't get much worse.

I was wrong, it is worse.

But in an entirely different way. We have seen the beautiful, brown eyes of our son and heard him laugh, coo and even burp thanks to some wonderful people who brought us back video of our wee boy. We can't even put into words how much we appreciate them for doing this for us.

We are missing so much with him - I want to hold him, hug and kiss him. Be the one to feed, change and cuddle him to sleep.

An intense longing has set in and it feels as though a part of me is missing. We haven't yet met him, but we know he is ours and meant to be part of our family.

We are starting to get ready to get the nursery ready - just starting with other things in order to be able to get the room done but we won't be sharing photos of the nursery until after court so you will have to be patient. But it just seems as if it will be a long time before he is home sleeping in his room.

I have some good friends who have been waiting 5 and 6 months since referral for a court date and they are so inspiring to me. They are kind and gracious and listen to me ramble about how hard I am finding this torturous wait even though they have been waiting longer. I know they are feeling it even more intensely than I am.

I wanted fall and winter to go by quickly so we could bring baby home but that didn't mean I wanted winter to come so early. Because all winter coming early will do is make the wait seem even longer.

Waiting for our son to come home, to be snuggled up in our house with us, is hard.

The hardest thing I have ever done.

So if you live where I live and you feel the same and need some company to help pass the time, give me a call I could use a hug and a visit over a cup of Chai tea!


Carolyn said...

I am sure that you will have a court date booked before you know it. You are going to be such a great mom!


Dianne said...


Wish I was closer and we could meet for hot chocolate to improve your quality of cozy.

lovesmukiwa said...

I would LOVE to come over and snuggle down in some blankets and sip tea with you while we listen to the wind howling outside and talk about ..... babies!

Darrell and Jess said...

well we didn't have chai tea (I didn't) but the visit lifted my spirits - I hope it was good for you too! (((hugs)) - I think I'll go make myself some chai tea now and curl up in a blanket....

Ramona said...

I wish I lived closer... I'm going nuts too. I'm also missing the beautiful colored leaves- but in a secret way a bit "happy" because I love taking fall photos and this year, I don't want a fall family photo with those 2 big empty places... I'm ready to escape winter with you and head over to Ethiopia. That's the only way I can think of helping you get rid of the blues!

PS My eye is twitching again today.

hazel said...

I would LOVE to be sipping some hot Chai tea with you and having a good ole bitch session.

It is shocking how fast winter has hit us - I can't believe I'm clearing inches of snow off my car and from the sidewalk. Blech! It just adds insult to the injury of still waiting to bring our kids home.

Brendan and Mary said...

I had chai tea and I really appreciated the company. I'm sorry this is so hard, Rana.

P.S. Winter sucks

Gaunt Family said...

I've got some bengal spice if you wanna come over here. I have a busy enough house to keep your mind occupied! I want to kick winter in the pants.

CinnamonOpus said...


Damn 3 hour plane rides. I can't keep tea hot for that long.

But we have fall weather and fall colours -- at least for now -- so if you're in the neighbourhood come on by. I'll even bake something.

Stephanie said...

I'm saving my pennies so I can come and visit you!! Let me know if you see any good seat sales and I'll be there!

Steph :-)

Anonymous said...

I am always here to snuggle and sip tea! I love you guys and can't wait till your little man comes home!

Auntie Danielle

D Dae said...

I hear you about the wait!! If you are coming here shopping let me know and I will treat you to that Chai! :)

Janna said...

I hope you have your (successful) court date soon! If I did live near you I'd be over there quick smart, I love chai tea!

andrea said...

I can't even begin to tell you how much I lived close enough to take you up on the offer of a chai and a visit. You are a wonderful writer and I love how you have captured some of the emotions of early winter... here's hoping fall makes an encore appearance for a few days anyway. A

PS. I love that K mentioned Bengal Spice - that is the best evening tea ever (no caffeine) with a little sugar and milk... hmmm...

Rhonda, Kristin, Eden said...

We have a date next Thursday. Details TBA.

Chad, Laura and Sara said...

Chai Latte from Starbucks is my favorite - I so wish we lived closer, because a chai latte sounds so good right now :) :) :). It really does sucks living so far from so many wonderful supportive friends. Call or Skype anytime - we can have virtual tea together!


Tova said...

Oh, my heart aches for you....I know exactly how you are feeling. Like you are missing body parts and are emotionally bleeding all the time. It's the most excruciating part of the adoption. I love Chai, have a little independent cafe here that makes the BEST Chai Latte (ask Keltie) and if you come to Van it's my treat. And I would let you talk, vent, bitch, whine, cry, all you want. Hugging you today and willing for a court date soon.

tobink said...

I'm so sorry. The weather and the wait are a super-sucky combination.

I hope that fall decides it wants to participate in the year after all.

And I hope you hear of your court date very, very soon.

Isn't it time for pumpkin spice lattes?


Heidi said...

Oh Rana, I wish I lived closer. I would be more than happy to have a cup of tea with you. If I'm ever over your way, I'll give you a shout.

I so hope you hear about court soon and get that little man in your arms. Here's to a perfect winter holiday!

Take care...

P.S. I agree... Bah Humbug on the snow!

Shauna said...

Hey Rana, I love Chai tea, anytime! I'm looking forward to Sunday!!!

natasha said...

I hear you Rana!! I am going to take you up on that and call you. Next Wed. I am busy, but what about the 28th? I will call anyways. It was so nice talking to you. I am thinking of you guys as always and hoping so badly that you hear court news soon.
love, Natasha
oh and we still have to do our diaper date!

darci said...

first of all, i totally commiserate with you about winter. this sucks! last year was so long and cold i thought we would have a break this year..sigh.
and secondly, i can only imagine how hard this waiting is for you! i hope so much that you hear good news soon and that you are holding your little one! can't wait to see pics of him. :) darci

Janice said...

I love Chai tea - sure wish I was closer. Even though a referral seems far off for us now, it would still be nice to talk adoption over a cup of tea.