I realize that I have been avoiding talking about IT here lately. By IT I mean our adoption of course!
When our dossier went to Ethiopia in November we were on a "high". We had jumped the huge hurtle that had been looming over us all summer long as we worked on our home study and dossier. We had poured our blood, sweat and tears into getting all the paper work filled out, police checks completed, doctors exams done etc. etc. We were buzzing from head to toe with anticipation of getting a referral for our new child.
Then we started ordering the books that everyone from adoption friends to our agency had recommended and commenced reading said books promptly upon their arrival. We dived into looking for baby furniture and then quickly jumped back out of those waters when we realized we couldn't really purchase those items until we knew what age our soon-to-be child would be.
Slowly, I ventured into the baby sections of department stores as this had been a place to be avoided at all costs while we were trying to conceive. I even bought a few things here and there.
At about month 4 I started to panic...it was gradual at first. All I could talk about was adoption, all I could think about was our unknown child...was he or she born yet...what were they going thru, what were their parents going thru. I started to get anxious and a heavy knot in my stomach began to grow. I was paralyzed - I couldn't focus at work instead I spent my time perusing different web sites, message boards, and blogs. When I went home from work I would spend countless hours on the computer visiting all the above mentioned places all over again. I can certainly tell you that not much happened in the 15 minutes since I had last been to these places.
My need to know and have control was winning! My heart, my soul and my resolve to be strong thru this process were ever-so-slowly losing the battle. I was overcome with grief, sadness, and anger. The whole "this just isn't fair" started to enter into mind and I am not one who believes that life is fair 'cause it isn't. Maybe that is defeatist but I don't think so...life isn't fair...everyone has struggles, we learn, grow and become stronger from them.
At around month 6, I started to get little signs that I needed to STOP and reassess. When I got the invitation to do the "40 Days of Change" I leaped at it...I knew it was what I needed. I once heard a comedian say " why do people complain that life is short, it is the longest thing we do" true it really is the longest thing we will ever do - live I mean - for some it is shorter than others...but I think what people mean is that time goes by so quickly which in turns makes life FEEL short...as a kid an hour seemed to take forever...now an hour can seem like 5 minutes.
Anyways, I knew that I needed to bring myself down from the clouds of dreaming of our future child and plant myself back into the here and now. To put energy back into everyday life - the day will come when we get a referral and I don't want to have planned IT in my head..I want IT to unfold naturally as it should and be a surprise!
That being said I am a realist and I do still think about our adoption a lot but now there are - wait for it - times when I don't think about IT!!! GASP! I know - shocking right...once there was even a whole weekend that I didn't think about our new wee one once. I must add though it was the weekend we ran in the Sask Marathon so my obsession went from wee one to eating, sleeping and hydrating properly and just making it to the finish line.
I might come off as being indifferent but I can assure I am not! I have never wanted something so much in my whole life...why would it consume me like it did if I was indifferent. I just know what I need to keep myself whole while we wait for our referral. Especially in light of the fact that we might, just might, have to wait upwards of 15 months to see the beautiful face of our new family member. I know I don't have the energy to obsess for another 7 1/2 months - I will be a wreck if I continue down the same path. (Right, now talk to me again closer to the 15 month mark and my tune will likely have changed and as a woman that is my right ;)
So, for now I have in my mind that we will see a referral closer to the 15 month side of things and I am calm. I am functioning, I am laughing, I am enjoying life and I am willing to wait for the love of our future child.
In the meantime I will continue to write and even if I don't talk about adoption all the time I hope people will continue to read.