Wednesday, July 9, 2008

IT

I realize that I have been avoiding talking about IT here lately. By IT I mean our adoption of course!

When our dossier went to Ethiopia in November we were on a "high". We had jumped the huge hurtle that had been looming over us all summer long as we worked on our home study and dossier. We had poured our blood, sweat and tears into getting all the paper work filled out, police checks completed, doctors exams done etc. etc. We were buzzing from head to toe with anticipation of getting a referral for our new child.

Then we started ordering the books that everyone from adoption friends to our agency had recommended and commenced reading said books promptly upon their arrival. We dived into looking for baby furniture and then quickly jumped back out of those waters when we realized we couldn't really purchase those items until we knew what age our soon-to-be child would be.

Slowly, I ventured into the baby sections of department stores as this had been a place to be avoided at all costs while we were trying to conceive. I even bought a few things here and there.

At about month 4 I started to panic...it was gradual at first. All I could talk about was adoption, all I could think about was our unknown child...was he or she born yet...what were they going thru, what were their parents going thru. I started to get anxious and a heavy knot in my stomach began to grow. I was paralyzed - I couldn't focus at work instead I spent my time perusing different web sites, message boards, and blogs. When I went home from work I would spend countless hours on the computer visiting all the above mentioned places all over again. I can certainly tell you that not much happened in the 15 minutes since I had last been to these places.

My need to know and have control was winning! My heart, my soul and my resolve to be strong thru this process were ever-so-slowly losing the battle. I was overcome with grief, sadness, and anger. The whole "this just isn't fair" started to enter into mind and I am not one who believes that life is fair 'cause it isn't. Maybe that is defeatist but I don't think so...life isn't fair...everyone has struggles, we learn, grow and become stronger from them.

At around month 6, I started to get little signs that I needed to STOP and reassess. When I got the invitation to do the "40 Days of Change" I leaped at it...I knew it was what I needed. I once heard a comedian say " why do people complain that life is short, it is the longest thing we do" true it really is the longest thing we will ever do - live I mean - for some it is shorter than others...but I think what people mean is that time goes by so quickly which in turns makes life FEEL short...as a kid an hour seemed to take forever...now an hour can seem like 5 minutes.

Anyways, I knew that I needed to bring myself down from the clouds of dreaming of our future child and plant myself back into the here and now. To put energy back into everyday life - the day will come when we get a referral and I don't want to have planned IT in my head..I want IT to unfold naturally as it should and be a surprise!

That being said I am a realist and I do still think about our adoption a lot but now there are - wait for it - times when I don't think about IT!!! GASP! I know - shocking right...once there was even a whole weekend that I didn't think about our new wee one once. I must add though it was the weekend we ran in the Sask Marathon so my obsession went from wee one to eating, sleeping and hydrating properly and just making it to the finish line.

I might come off as being indifferent but I can assure I am not! I have never wanted something so much in my whole life...why would it consume me like it did if I was indifferent. I just know what I need to keep myself whole while we wait for our referral. Especially in light of the fact that we might, just might, have to wait upwards of 15 months to see the beautiful face of our new family member. I know I don't have the energy to obsess for another 7 1/2 months - I will be a wreck if I continue down the same path. (Right, now talk to me again closer to the 15 month mark and my tune will likely have changed and as a woman that is my right ;)

So, for now I have in my mind that we will see a referral closer to the 15 month side of things and I am calm. I am functioning, I am laughing, I am enjoying life and I am willing to wait for the love of our future child.

In the meantime I will continue to write and even if I don't talk about adoption all the time I hope people will continue to read.

Much love!

12 comments:

D Dae said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rhonda & Kristin said...

Oh wise guru, you're so smart. I wish I couldn't think about IT. IT is so tough some days, but no worries, I'll still stop and read and even visit you even if you don't want to talk about IT...but I do expect some funny Mike Myers movie lines, and that's what I'll mean when I refer to "IT"!

Much love oh wise one,
R

shaunak said...

Yes, you are a wise woman. Take care of yourself and enjoy each day.
We went to Spain for amonth in December 06. I was constantly looking for internet cafes in case our referral came in. Our referral came in Oct 07. I hate to think back on how many of those days were wasted on the computer obsessing over my referral.

I guess now that our boys are home I should be concerned about how much time I spend on the computer obsessing over stranger`s referral`s :)

Sebrina said...

What a great attitude!!!

Anonymous said...

Rana, I just love your blog! you are so positive and wise. I loved that post! Now I have to check out your previous ones......
Natasha

lovesmukiwa said...

I will visit your blog always, wether you talk about "it" or not :)
I'm so happy you are finding some peace in the throes of this emotional process.

Tanya said...

I agree, I love your writings. I hope that you continue to write and allow us to read even after IT happens...

Sherri said...

I understand what you're saying - that's why I loved getting involved in my competition etc...something ELSE to think about..... Even now, with Mamush's picture hanging everywhere, there are times when Chet & I look at him - and go - OH MY - we have a little boy waiting for us - did we mean to forget for a few hours/?? NO...BUT this is different than a pregnancy - it's not tangible in ways we can feel and touch etc..... It's so "consuming" of the mind for sure.... Hang in there - you have great perspective!
Sherri

CinnamonOpus said...

I actually enjoy your non-IT posts!

I understand what you are saying though. There comes a time when you just have to let go of trying to know and control and prepare for IT. People get obsessed... it's easy to do in this process! But people are so much more than their adoptions!

I think when you write a blog, it's a decision you have to make. Some adoptive parents start a blog to express what they are feeling about the adoption process -- that's the primary purpose. But for some people, it's a way of communicating about themselves with friends and family, or a creative expressive outlet, or whatever -- it's not ALL about their adoption, but various things. Either way is good, as long as it works for you. We'll still be reading no matter what you want to write about!

Ricki said...

Aw girl, I LOVE your "positive thinking". I actually try to remind myself often about your positive thinking theory (hence my choice of appreciating one thing every day that I won't be able to do so easily when the babies are home).
You are an inspiration and a wonderful friend!
Ricki

Ranavan said...

I just want to let all you ladies know how much I appreciate you all!! And that is alooooottttt!

I really wouldn't be able to get thru this wait if I didn't have you all giving me love and support!!

Thanks for everything gals!

lots o' love

Rana

haze said...

Great attitude! I totally hear you. The thought of waiting another 7 months or so is very daunting. I refuse to get depressed about it and that means no obsessing.

I will follow your blog no matter what you write about. After all, to me you are more than just a one-dimensional, adoptive parent-to-be.