Monday, February 28, 2011

Manic Mondays

I've decided Mondays will be the day I talk about PADS.

I know I am not the only one to go thru it. This is evident by some of the comments on my last post and from emails I have received from other post adoptive mothers and bio moms too.

Thank you so much for reaching out and letting me know I wasn't alone. If I haven't emailed you back yet, I will! I promise.

Today my friend Claudia reminded me about this article - it seems even Melissa Faye Greene went through post adoption depression and if she can then so can anyone.

There are people who will not understand what I am going through and that is o.k. There are some who probably won't like that I am blogging about this and that is o.k. too.

I know before our adoption when I read blogs about people talking about what life was like after their kids came home I was quick to say in my head "But your kids are home! You should be enjoying this time." Little did I know how hard the transition can be. It was those blogs, those posts, I should have been reading even more so in order to gain experience from others about what life is like when you come home.

I want to be clear here. It is not Ade. He is a sweetheart. He is beautiful. He is going through so much and I am aware of how hard this uprooting is for him. I haven't forgotten that fact at all.

What I do know for sure is this - I can't help him through this tough and emotional transition if I don't recognize what is happening to me. I need to don my oxygen mask first in order to help him get his on.

Each person's experience will be different. It will come from a different place and for different reasons. Mine comes from 39 years of living a life of my own and only having to worry about making sure I made it through each day ( and in the last 8 years with my husband of course) and to suddenly have a wee little dude who needs me to help navigate the world...well it is overwhelming.

And it's o.k. I know it will pass with time.

So, Manic Mondays will be the day I talk about how I am feeling. Because after all, aren't Mondays the most manic day of all?

26 comments:

The Warren Family said...

I appreciate your honesty and think it is great that you are sharing these feelings with other people. I remember after pickin up our son thinking "oh my God what have I gotten myself into, I am in over my head. " I felt so confused...how could something I wanted so badly and that seemed so right suddenly lead to me feeling like I made a big mistake because I couldn't handle it. The transition is difficult for everyone... to some extent even when I was over the hardest part of it I then watched our extended family go through a maybe less extreme but similar period. In my mind we would have all fallen in love overnight but in reality it took time for everyone involved to get to that place. Thanks again for posting on such an important topic. Shannon

Shannon said...

Thanks for posting. You are very brave to write about this! Reaching out is the best thing you can do. *Hugs*

Carolyn said...

I would be surprised if there is one person who has not felt overwhelmed and unsure about becoming a parent. GREAT POST! I look forward to reading more.

Hugs

Carolyn

Dancin' Momma said...

Rana Rocks! As you can tell from my new blog, in some ways I am still struggling and I have been at this gig for 5 years (yikes!).

You rock sister! Manic Mondays! Yeah!

Connie said...

Thanks for bringing up this topic. I'm always eager to read about post adoption depression. I know it's a very real part of adoption. I experienced a little of that with our first adoption, but I know that our second adoption could be much more extreme, with the child likely being older. I want to be prepared and I want to hear what others experience when coming home. Thanks for your willingness to share.

turgeonexpansion said...

Oh my friend, I am here anytime you need to chat. It is such an adjustment to bring a child into your life, and at times you feel like you shouldn't feel this way because you waited so long to have him come home.

But your feelings are valid and real. And it's brave of you to talk about it. I know you'll help many others along the way.

hazel said...

Rana, my hat is off to you for your honesty, although I wish you were not dealing with PAD in the first place.

I was fortunate enough not to face it, despite having dealt with depression in the past (which put me at high risk for it). I think the work I did prior to bringing B home really helped prepare me for what was to come. Thank God, because I was scared. However, my therapist was not and bless her heart she was right.

So, though I haven't dealt with PAD, I've dealt with many of the same feelings (minus the B.S. guilt because hey, I have the child I was waiting for so why should I be depressed).

Lay it out here and know that we don't judge. We read, we share, and we try to help.

Love to you.

Liz said...

Oh my, YES - you hit the nail on the head. I am still struggling with some of this, harder now in some ways than in the very beginning - I feel resentful of being expected to do every little thing for someone else after spending most of my life doing everything for myself. I'm devoting the entire month of March to finally addressing this head on any way I can!

Carolyn S. said...

Thank you for talking about this. Melissa Faye Green's article was shocking in that I realized that was me when we first came home. I still have feelings of guilt over how I reacted (crying with my daughter standing over me looking confused); thankfully I asked my friends (other adoptive moms) for help, and they were there for me. At 4 months home, I'm through the tough days, and am enjoying my little pumpkin now, she is amazing. Hang in there, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

lyndsey&kevin said...

Perfect title.. I look forward to reading on mondays and hearing how you are doing. Sending you love and hugs and always here to chat.

L

Brendan and Mary said...

Beautiful post! I know that things are hard right now. You are doing amazaing things though - reaching out for help and helping others.

Thanks for everything!

Heather said...

Big *HUGS*. I've followed your blog a long time and wish you the best and lots of strength.

wholetthishappen said...

Nothing but love, applause, support and admiration for you! Love you. You are not alone. We may have to start the club and print the shirts, but there are more of us than is admitted. You are brave.

Sharla said...

One of the best gifts you can give to others who are earlier on their adoption journey or at the same stage or later, is your honesty about this. It is brave of you to share about this because it is very common.

When we brought our first daughter home (foster-to-adopt) and the health nurse came to visit, she told me that Post Partum Depression is equally common in adoptive moms as in birth moms. (just thought you might like to know that)

Also, two things that put you at high risk are if your adoption journey (or birth or pregnancy) have been especially long or difficult and if you are older when your child comes home.

I guess all that to say that I think what you are experiencing is not only normal for some, but to be expected given all that you went through in the years prior to Ade coming home.

I'm glad that you're going to be taking care of yourself. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help.

P.S. Even though we had five children before and had previously adopted three times, I was completely overwhelmed when we brought Elijah and Sedaya home and thought "what have we done?" more than once. It's gotten better. It's to the point now where I can't imagine my life without them and know how much our family was missing before.

Kendra said...

I appreciate you honesty Rana. I am reading and soaking in all that I can for the future.

The Gaboury's said...

Great post Rana.....I love reading your blog and I love your honesty....
Debbie.

Jess said...

looking forward to manic mondays.... hugs and more hugs

Jenn said...

Thanks Rana. I'm proud of you for blogging through this and allowing us to share your journey. It's a hard place to be in and very few people outside the adoption community understand - especially after the long waiting for our children. I did fine when our girls came home and then took a really spectacular nose dive after five months home. If I didn't have other adoptive moms around me I would have gone crazy. (well I did go crazy, but I had company!)

Jenn

Sarah said...

Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience with us. Big hugs to you and your family.

Karen said...

Kudos to you Rana.

I'd love to get my MIL to read your posts, except that she thinks the Internet is the doorway to evil.

Karen

Janice said...

I applaud you for being so honest and open Rana.

Although never having suffered with PPD or PAD, some of what you are saying sounds so familiar. When I fist became a mother, I remember being overjoyed and at the same time overwhelmed. There were many times when, just like you, I caught myself saying that for 33 years, I had only really had to take care of myself and suddenly there was this huge responsibility to take care of this new little person in my life.

Taking time for myself and chatting with other moms (who also knew how to keep it real) was a really great way to help find balance. No doubt bringing a child into your life can really rock your world.

Jenn :) said...

We adopted our son as a new born, so I know our experience isn't exactly like your's but I do know where you're coming from!! I went through it as well!!!

Kim Arpin-Ricci said...

Thank you so much for your honesty. It really helps us who will be coming home with our little ones.

June said...

hey you, as you can see the troops are all here for you... MFG's advice along the lines of 'fake it til you make it' is pretty good I think, and you will make it, especially since you have the strength to be so open about the hard stuff!

YukonAnni said...

Thank you for sharing, Rana. Sharing your weaknesses shows a great strength. And you are helping others along the way. All of the wonderful (and educational) comments here are also lovely to read, you are surrounded by great understanding and support. With love & hugs for you, take care.

darci said...

hey rana, i have been gone for awhile so jus tcatching up on blogging now. i think it is a good good thing that you are sharing this! i have no idea how i'll feel (IF) we ever bring our little one/s home, but I'm glad to be able to talk about it! I appreciate that you are brave enough to share your heart-I just read your sleep deprivation post too, and oh my, that doesn't help, that's for sure..I well remember that exhaustion..for me it was with my bio babies, but it was so overwhelming to me..I'm SO glad that you are able to find a group of ladies that welcome you adn support you, super important!! thinking of you, girl! hugs to you!