I confess it is friggin' cold here today and I am tired of it. I need it to be spring...I know I have said that before but it is really true.
I confess we had a great family meal tonight - nothing like ordering in pizza on a cold winter's night!
I confess my son loves Jamiroquai which makes me very happy. He also likes Ben Harper and Jack Johnson.
I confess this week I learned to ask for help when I need it. I have always been the kind of person who thinks they can handle it all on their own....I learned the hard way this is not true.
I confess we have a fantastic support group made up of friends and family who have helped us so much and for whom we can not tell enough how much we love them.
I confess music does much for the soul and tonight we are having a music fest to top all music fests! And there is dancing! Dancing the likes of which you have never seen!
I confess our adoption journey was long and full of twists and turns. So much so that last week my body gave out and said "Enough! Since you won't rest, I will make you!" and it did.
I confess without my husband and both of our moms this last week would have been far worse than it was.
I confess no one talks about what happens, what really happens, when they come home. It isn't all "daisies and roses". There are good times, there are bad times and there are some U.G.L.Y times.
I confess I am suffering from this and I felt so alone...until I reached out and found there were other people who felt or were feeling like I was....adoption and bio alike.
I confess I am going to share what we are going through so that others know they aren't alone.
I confess this is a time of healing for all of us, of bonding, of becoming a family and the road will be rocky...it will be like the yellow brick road....full of so many adventures but in the end we will come out o.k. and maybe we won't get to see the wizard but we will get to Kansas where "there's no place like home!"
16 comments:
Oh my, do I know about the UGLY times. And it does get better, lots better, pretty quickly. Hang in there.
It is hard, so very hard for many of us when we become parents (bio or adopted, although I firmly believe adopted can be harder because our journey to our children is so much more of a strain). {{hugs}} Please know, without a doubt, you are not alone. I have struggled more since becoming a parent than I ever thought possible. Sadly I do not believe there is any way to prepare someone for what is about to happen unless you see it with your own eyes, up close and personal. Please know, any time, I am here for you my friend. Also the 'at home boards' are an amazing resource. I did not publically blog too much about my struggles because of some backlash I recieved from waiting parents, but I let a lot of my issues out to air on that board. It is a great safe place to go. Take care
I don't comment often, but wanted to say kudos to you for being able to admit that you suffer from PAD. I suffered for a long time before I was able to admit it to myself let alone others! It seems that most people only want to hear about the sunshine and roses about adoption and not the reality so I found it hard to find someone to talk to about it.
I'm glad to hear you have an awesome support team.That can mean all the difference in the world.
Lorie
Mama to Xavier-home since Aug 2009
Hi Rana,
I hear you, life is tough once you are home....as much as you love your little one day to life is hard. I hope to touch base with you soon, it will be great to talk.Thinking of you...
Carey
I don't know much about much except what I read but I totally dig Ben Harper n Jack Johnson. Have you ever listened to the John Butler Trio? (Also from the Grammy's post - thumbs up for M and Sons AND Arcade Fire!!!)
I agree the weather is wickedly cold here too. There was an acctual wind chill warning out last night of -40. bbbrrr..
I know about the UGLY times as well. You are not alone, it does get better, but we still have very hard, stressful and trying moments, but they don`t last all day long, like they use to. Having a good support system(obvious you already do)helps tremendously.
Debbie.
YEah Sister- vent your stuff... we are here.. ready and waiting for you to lean on... it was GREAT chatting tonight... I feel so fortunate to have met you in all this shite!!!
hugs and love and pinches
Lynds
Good for you for being honest, but I can't say that I'm surprised. You guys have been through so much already and you will get through this too. You are amazing for proactively seeking out help already. Call me - any day, any time (my cell is usually close by and I am usually awake ;)). Can't wait to see you and give you a big hug.
Glad that you have lots of support and that you have opened up to help- it is not easy. I am here to listen at all times!!! Talk soon.
Carolyn
I like how you have chosen to keep it real. We will all benefit from hearing each other's stories. No matter how you become a new parent, bringing a child into your life can certainly be a shock to the system.
Glad to hear you have support. It helps so, so much.
Looking forward to hearing the latest tunes on Ade's playlist.
JJ
I told my MIL about PAD. She told me she didn't think there was such a thing and I found out that she later suggested to her husband (a retired GP) that it was another crazy adoption issue I had sort of made up (y'know, like attachment).
But, yes, it's very real. I'm sorry you are living it, but glad you are getting support.
We brought Eric home at the beginning of spring. I put him in the stroller for a long walk, at least twice a day. If it had been winter when we came home, I don't think I would have been very well, emotionally.
Thumbs up for the music!
Karen
It is such a hard transition, and it doesn't help when it begins just as you come out of the roller coaster (to put it ridiculously mildly) that you experienced. Good for you, for reaching out both for your own benefit, and to benefit others. No, you are so not alone. Sending hugs and support, while you seek out a new normal for your family!!!
Rana,
I so appreciate your courage to be honest & am sending compassion. I read the link & am not surprised by how common this is. Many adoptive parents are physically & emotionally exhausted by the time they are lucky enough to hold their children. Add to that "PTSD-ish" experiences of being on the other side of the world and seeing, firsthand, how amazingly priveleged we are here in the west. Being a tender-hearted global citizen makes this all the harder.
Top it off with becoming a parent to a toddler whom you love with your whole heart but whom you do not yet know. Seems to me you have plenty of reasons to be exhausted and overwhelmed.
Self-care. Lots & Lots & Lots of Self-Care.
And take-out & asking for help and no expectations of yourselves as a family. If I was in your city I would bring over soup & a kleenex box.
Hugs,
Jen D
I am sooo so glad you are able to recognize and admit this Rana. That is huge and will go a long way to helping other new parents or parents with children that are new to their family.
I tried really hard to speak the truth about the ugly times during the beginning of our adoption and some people were really supportive and others less so. I just don't see what good can come out of pretending it is easy.
Take care and I will call you about getting together and the meal.(I am anonymous, but didn't mean to be. Just forget to sign my name!"
Natasha
Oh, I HEAR you! I'ts weird - at the time, I really thought that I *was* writing about what was really going on. But i go back and read it now and it sounds pretty muted and mild - it didn't feel muted and mild, believe me! I'm beginning to think that at the beginning, even if you try to communicate what's really going on, it's almost impossible to find the words.
What got me through was reading stuff from other people who had been through the same thing. Melissa Fay Greene's article about post adoption panic with her first adopted child is AWESOME - it helped me so much, I must have read it five times just to help me feel normal. I felt so dreadful about feeling the way I did, I had to know that other people had been through it too. And they HAVE- and one day it will be YOU saying to someone 'it will pass'. But for now - one. day. at. a. time. (And lots of chocolate and wine).
Sending you a ginormous hug. xxx
Rana, I shared a bit when we came home that it wasn't all roses and sunshine... But like the others who've had a rough start, it's hard to keep telling people when they don't even want to listen- our kids were home now shut up is what I often felt/heard. But I did find several others who had gone through similar things and could share with them and be heard. The fog and the tears and the hopelessness can be huge, and mine was escalated by a nonstop screaming toddler and a testing tantruming toddler and 2 older kids too. Surround yourself by those who love you and support you and let you take the time to heal even if they don't understand.
Try not to beat yourself up for feeling this way or feeling guilty. You are doing the right thing with getting help and letting others help care for you.
I'm here if you ever want to chat or email...
Ramona
PS Sometimes vit D can help- not cure but help your serotonin levels. Not saying this is all it takes- not at all...just a thought I had about what I need normally to function at this time of the year.
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