Friday, January 9, 2009

Lost my Hope

I seemed to have lost my hope! I had it a while ago but it seems to have disappeared...

I keep thinking this is some kind of joke - like Ashton Kutcher is going to appear and say "Ha ha ha, you have been Punk'd" (with my luck it would probably be Howie Mandel instead -ugh!)

What does one do when approaching the 14 month mark of waiting? And that is just since our dossier landed in Ethiopia - in reality we have been waiting much longer!!! Could someone please tell me because I am running out of ideas.

I don't blame my hope for packing its bags and hitting the road - I haven't been much fun to be around lately. I would take a hike too if I could - just to get away from the torturous thoughts my brain keeps throwing out at me.

I have been trying to stay away from the computer this week - hence the lack of posts. Oh and I had the flu for the last couple of days too...ya, fun hey!

I am trying to think of ways to keep myself busy for the next couple, three weeks. Our agency rep has gone to Ethiopia this week and will hopefully be bringing back referrals. We weren't given any hope that ours would be part of the next batch. I am trying to prepare myself for the upcoming Pity Party (remember my last one) that will likely ensue as we watch families get referrals. We were told to be prepared to wait up to 18 months! There I said it! I have been avoiding if I didn't say it, it might not come true. And maybe it won't, maybe it will happen sooner but since my hope has left I am having a hard time being positive. Throw in the new court procedures the Ethiopian Government just put in place and get the point.

Aaaaaaah! This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life!

So, anyways, I have lost my hope! If you find it - could you please tell it to come home.

I miss it!


Dianne said...

Oh Rana, I'm so there with you. Maybe in a different place, but still so right there with you.

I really hope you get some good news quickly. I need the pick me up.

In the meantime... come to Calgary! Bring some friends! We'll have another slumber party!

I don't like these kinds of jokes. They're so not funny.

Big hugs to you.

Gaunt Family said...

I have no abundance of hope, but since I am having an okay day and you're not, I'm willing to share some of what I have. *hugs* to you.

I *hope* you get a referral really soon. I *hope* it is for the most perfect, adorable, healthy, and sweet baby you have ever set eyes on. I *hope* you travel very quickly after that.

I hope we all get what we have been hoping for this year.

Curvy Runner said...

HOPE HPOE HOPE HOPE HOPE. i have an abundance this week so i can afford to lend you some! (Just be sure to return it once I hit 14 months!)

D Dae said...

Oh Rana, big hugs sweetie. I wish I could fix everything for you.

Is there any chance you can book a vacation? Get away from all the despressing snow, cold and dark days that make it so much harder to be optimistic?

Thinking of you, and sending you lots of good hope vibes!

Danielle and Nick said...

18 months? That's the gestation period of an Elephant! It can't take that long. It won't take that long. Your referral has to be in this next batch Rana!!!

Sending positive vibes your way! Good things are around the corner!!



Natalie and Chris said...

i'm also sorry you are having a rough week. I think this week was the week for all of us to just brake. We try to stay strong all the time and then we just crash. I totally agree, it's the hardest thing I have ever done as well. I think you are amazing with the way you deal with things, i'm crying and i've only been waiting one month, and here you are 14 mths in and still going strong. You have every right in the world to have a bad day but I know you will pick yourself up soon and keep going. You have come so far, the end is closer to you then the beginning. Sending hugs your way....Natalie

Carol said...

Start up about 3 major projects - like re-painting the living room and sewing new curtains for it, scrapbooking your whole life and re-learning algebra. That way, you'll get your referral, travel quickly and be really pissed at me because your house is a mess of remodeling and you're not ready for a baby in the house!

Chad, Laura and Sara said...

Oh Rana, as much as I know how shitty this waiting is - I can only imagine your frustration having waited this long already - our wait has only been 6 months and I can barely go a minute (literally) without thinking about something to do with process.

If it is any comfort at all, know that you have MANY people thinking and praying for you and want nothing more then to hear of your referral.

When you are without hope, let us be your hope until this passes - because it will.

In my thoughts, Laura

Julie said...

I just looked around here for it, and can't find it.
Hugs to you.

haze said...

I'm sorry you're feeling low, Rana. I would give you some of my hope but I keep dropping it. Nah, I'll try to send some your way anyway - it's mostly still intact but no longer shiny & now a little chipped.

Shannon and Dan said...

Big hugs Rana. I think your flu must have sent that old hope a-packing. It sucks to be sick and in bed with nothing to distract your mind.
I've got lots of hope for you that I can share too. I am certain that your hope will be back shortly. I think that it misses you.
Take care sweetie,

Janice said...

Rana, I'm sending you some of my hope. You really deserve it. As you know I'm only up to the 7 month mark so I have some hope to share with you. I know exactly what you mean about this feeling like a joke. Until we get our referral, it just doesn't seem entirely real.

I hope you get together with the other waiting moms soon. It sounds like you guys always have a great time together and are a great support for one another.

I will jumping for joy for you when you get that referral. Best case scenario would be if Ashton Kutcher shows up at your door with a referral.

lovesmukiwa said...


Well. I am not good at making new years resolutions, but without fail EVERY year I give up hope for Lent.

Sorry you are in the doldrums.
You are in my thoughts.

CinnamonOpus said...

Oh Rana, I understand the feeling. I think many of us hit that wall at some point in this crazy, frustrating, ultimately rewarding process. It's so hard to keep going sometimes, when you put so much into this with just nothing coming back to you to sustain you.

I have hope for you, and excitement at the prospect of a referral soon coming to you. And we have virtual hugs to send your way, and we think good thoughts for you daily. And I hope you can do something, maybe get together with friends or go on a little holiday or something, that will help refresh you and rejuvenate your hope for you.

Carolyn said...

I wish that I could say something to make you feel better- but I really feel as crappy as you do. If you are looking for your hope- I think it has gone on vacation with my hope..... it would be great if they would come back soon. I just keep saying .... we can't have to wait 18 months- I am praying that R has something for all of us when she returns. All I can do is wish that our "hopes" have a good time on vacation because we are not having a good time waiting.


Ramona said...

As I go to type a message, I had an old song go through my head "If you stop hoping then you stop believing" but then I realized that it wasn't hoping, but dreaming... And I can't even remember who sang it- but it's from the 80s... And has nothing to do with your post...

I'm here with you, but I'm not even letting my little heart hope for me and this next referral batch. However, you're made it this far, so together, we will make it to whatever month we get to. You will be getting that call. And, it will be in less time then you've waited already. So, even when you lose hope, don't stop believing (ohh- I tied it into my song). But know what? Even if your heart doesn't believe it, know that we are still all here waiting with you and praying that the "soon" becomes the now.

Oh- and I think getting your frustrations and feelings of hopelessness out is the best thing- some days my "staying positive" idea drives me nuts until I let it out...

Breelyn and Mike said...

Hang in holiday seems to be so hard. Can't distract ourselves. My agency had a bunch of referrals come through in the last week. So happy for those ready to be a mom myself. Keep helps us all to read your thoughts - thoughts that we can all relate to.

Darrell and Jess said...

Everyone has said it all so well... sending hugs your way. Thinking about you.... and will be hoping good news will come your way very soon!

sas said...

Hi Rana,

I so hear you... My hope took a little vacation around month 10! I trust that yours will return soon, (along with some great news about your little bambino.


Kristen and Dave said...

Oh Rana I wish there was something I could say or do to make things better for you. I understand the torture of waiting to become a mom and that's all I can offer you - my empathy and understanding. Try to stay positive.

Kristen :)